I love my doctor

More about my day off.

I saw my doctor on Monday afternoon after work about the miscarriage, whether I needed to do anything etc (answer: no).  But I also talked to him about being stressed and the fact that I'd been somewhat depressed since the miscarriage. Tense, unable to motivate myself to do basic chores, difficulty breathing sometimes, crying, that sort of thing. Especially on work days.  I figure that's reasonably normal for the short term, but combined with the ongoing work related stress I just thought I should mention it to him, seeing as how I have a very strong family history of clinical depression. Not that I expected him to do anything about it, just that I thought it might be good for him to be aware of it, so he can ask probing questions at future check ups.

Anyway, he was really supportive, and he gave me the rest of the week off. In fact, he would have given me two weeks off if I felt I needed it. He seemed to feel that it was quite important to get the stress thing under control, pointing out also that it's not really helping with the whole fertility thing (something I am very conscious of).

I was just amazed how much better I felt walking out of there. I think it was a combination of knowing I didn't have to go to work for the rest of the week, and just knowing that he was really supportive. He told me if I have some days when I wake up and feel I just can't face work, that I should consider calling him and staying home.  I know I'd be highly unlikely to do that very often, if at all, but just knowing I have the option makes me feel lighter.

I think I was also fairly tense about talking to him about it.  Not that I thought he was going to laugh me out of the office or anything but... I know that look people can get, when other people complain about being stressed. It's like, 'Get over yourself mate, everyone has to deal with those things.'

In fact, one of my quite good friends at work said almost exactly that to me about the whole childcare thing. She didn't actually tell me to get over myself, but she did comment that it was a stress everyone goes through. Which has some truth to it. I know she decided to come back to work part time when her boys were around seven or eight months. And yes, she said there were days when she'd leave them screaming, when the family day care mum would have to drag them off her, and it was awful. Stressful even.

But actually, this is different. For one thing, I didn't decide, yes I will go to work and put my kids in childcare.  I specifically decided that I didn't want to do that.  Originally I thought maybe we would, for one or two days, when he got older.  But now he's older, and I'm not comfortable with it.  And had I not been given the wrong information at work all year, I might be six months pregnant by now and not have to worry about this at all. But because they only belatedly decided/told me that my director's support for me staying part time is irrelevant, I didn't start trying to get pregnant early enough.*

For another thing, I honestly, truly believe that childcare is not the right option for Liam.  That the best thing for him is to stay home with me or his Dad; to socialise with other children at play group and play dates, usually with us there in the background. I know that many people think childcare is actually a positive thing. No doubt it still causes them some grief to leave their little ones crying for them to stay, but over all they think their children benefit. Well, I don't. Not Liam. But that makes me the odd one out. I have a different parenting philosophy to those people, and while I respect their choices, I don't want to be forced into adopting them for my child.

But it's more than all that too.  I think I have a new understanding of what people mean when they claim to be stressed.  Of why people actually go out on stress leave.  Of why it contributes to heart disease, among other things.  I thought I understood before.  I didn't.

*Have I mentioned how frustrated I am by the fact that we specifically decided to wait this long to try for another baby because we felt it would be better for Liam, and now because of that we may have to put Liam into child care, which I think is definitely NOT better for him? If I'd known that, I might have another baby by now. Which I would be very happy about. Very.

Comments

[Zoe]

Kay, I am really looking foward to having a chat with you about this stuff - it's huge. I also am not a fan of daycare, although Sage spend five months of one day a week in care. The other day I worked he spent with my sister, her son nine months younger and after school, her 6 year old daughter. My sister was not able because of her committments to her own kids to do both days, and I thought that a day a week in care wouldn't kill him. It didn't of course, but when he started saying "no no no" when I pulled into the daycare carpark it killed me.

I'd rather talk about this stuff with you, because I get very wordy on the subject (!), but it's uncommon that women of our age and professional backgrounds don't have their kids in at least some care, at least around here.

[Kay]

It is a bit uncommon isn't it?

The idea of getting to that point - the crying and "no, no, no!" when it's too late to do anything about it aside from quite my job (ie when I've agreed to put my hours up - b/c they'll never let me go back again) terrifies me.

Can't wait to chat in person. Hope the weather holds.

[Nick]

Hmmmm...the Dude is in day care twice a week now (and going up to three days next year when Wifely has a second baby to care for).

He loves it but it did take about 4-6 months to get rid of the tears when he first arrived...