I just came across this draft post from last June - not sure why I didn't post it, but I'm thinking maybe it was just an oversight. So here it is...
I’ve been thinking about this conversation that went on a while ago at Personal Political about only children. Susoz has an ‘only child’ and although it wasn’t by choice she seems fairly content. For herself she says that now, as an adult, she is closer to friends than siblings, and those friends are more a part of her child’s life than her siblings will ever be.
Wanting more children for me is definitely partially about providing Liam with siblings. Since I’ve become an adult I have felt more and more the importance of family, or maintaining contact with siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles (as well as parents and grandparents of course). I’m not totally sure what drives this need. If I were in a crisis situation, aside from my mother, I would most likely turn to a couple of friends here in Canberra.. Of course depending on the level of crisis it might be possible for my sister to take time off work and come to Canberra, but it would have to be something pretty awful for that to happen. If it was just the need for some ad hoc child care, maybe some dinners or other simple help, than it would be friends (and my mum) who would be most likely to help. I have several cousins in Canberra, and I do try to keep in touch with them, but they would certainly not be my first or even second point of call if I were in need. Still, if I did call on them I am sure they would help.
I think part of the thing with the whole ‘blood is thicker than water’ idea is not that family will necessarily be more supportive or available than friends, but more that they will always be family. Friends come and go – some friends you keep in touch with no matter what, no matter how far away they live (and email sure helps with that), but many friend eventually become past friends – people with whom you once shared something, but who you haven’t spoken to now in ten or twenty years and do not have a current address for. Family move about but they are part of a larger network – if a cousin doesn’t happen to send you their forwarding address you can always ask their parent or sibling or child where they are - or you'll be told without asking, or catch up with them anyway at family functions.
I would guess that for people who grow up and stay in country towns this might be more true of friends also – they are all connected by a network that keeps them in touch. Where as those communities in cities tend to disperse as people move on to different cities, jobs, countries.
Keeping strong family ties has become even more important to me since Liam was born – I want him to have a solid place in the world, a real sense of his place in an extended family. But realising that my relationships with my cousins – while important – are not the ones that give me a strong sense of security and support, I also want him to have siblings. I mean, I’d love for him to have cousins of his generation (at the moment his only first cousins are my generation, but he does have one aunt working on it), but lets face it, they are not going to live in Canberra.
On the other hand, it occurred to me this morning that perhaps the most important thing I can do for him, in terms of providing him with a support structure for his adult years, especially when (hopefully in the far distant future) both his parents are dead, is to teach him to form strong and lasting friendships. Now if only I knew how to do that, we’d be ‘right.
(orginally drafted 27 June 2005)
(Edited to add this disclaimer: Maybe the reason I didn't post it was that I meant to go back and make sure I wasn't miserpresenting Susoz. I haven't done that (at least not today) so you'd better go read her post yourself to be sure.)
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