narrating kayoz

Group behaviour, boys and their cliques in school

Via the Twelfth Down Under Feminist Carnival, I've just been reading Andragy: CyberBullying, Feminism, Mean Girls, Queen Bees and Boys, and from there, the bit of Queen Bees and Wannabes that's online at Amazon.

Andra says of Wiseman's book:

I think that Queen Bees is a fine piece of feminist analysis, with racial and sexual prejudices opened up as well. Wiseman points out that she works equally with boys and girls, and that society's definition of masculinity influences boys away from strength, individuality and towards violence, bullying and groups in the same way that definitions of femininity trap girls.

I'd love to read a similar book about boys (though I note from the TOC of Queen Bees that there is a chapter on boys, and I have requested it from my local library). I do feel that ever since Liam began school the influence towards violence and group behaviour has certainly been growing.

He still does plenty of lovely creative play,* plays with girls as well as boys and so on. And I love his teacher and think she is working really well with them to teach them to be courteous, that making sure everyone gets a go is more important than winning a game etc. But the cliques seem to be forming, the popular children and less popular children are finding their places.

And I am starting to feel that I need more information. Liam is a boy, which I plainly am not. And also, he seems to be quite popular. Which, it might surprise you to know, I already was not by his age. I wasn't the lowest of the low at any time, but I was below the middle, right through until the end of year 10.**

So I'm not entirely sure how to teach him to - well, to be nice. To not fall in with group behaviour which is mean to others. To stick up for children who need support. Andra quotes Wiseman:

Boys and men who speak out against sexism or publicly support girls and women run the risk of being ridiculed by their peers as "fags", "sissies", "pussies" or in some circles "sensitive new age guys".

This is the sort of message I am afraid Liam might be picking up from his friend 'Craig'. That being kind, wearing a beany, playing co-operatively etc might may him some kind of 'sissy' (a word I would hope he's never heard, but I'm probably kidding myself), and that there's something wrong with that.

Any book recommendations for me?
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*Am I showing my biases here?
** Year 11 & 12 is at a different school in Canberra, and quite a different experience - for which I was extremely grateful.

A parenting dilemma: bad influences and all that jazz

I think I must be a real parent now. I am stuck with my first real parenting dilemma.*

Liam has made friends - best buddies type friends - with one of the two kids in his class I would really prefer he wasn't friends with at all. I am going to call this friend Craig. Craig is not a bad kid - it could be a LOT worse. He can even be quite charming, in a ratbag sort of way. But he's quite aggressive, doesn't seem very clear about personal boundaries (by which I mean, has no idea, even for a seven year old), appears to watch a lot of the sort of television I would not let Liam near (though this is self reported so may not be true - but he certainly knows a lot about the shows and movies he talks about), and, did I mention quite aggressive?

I think the main thing that concerns me is that Liam seems to be strongly influenced by this kid. Some minor examples: for a while he didn't want to wear his beany to school, because Craig didn't wear one; he won't have bananas with his lunch any more because Craig doesn't eat them. More major issues is the increase in aggressive behaviour in him this year, and particularly in name calling and yelling. I can't, of course, put that all down to his friendship with Craig. Some of it may be the change in environment from the very protected kinder space to class one, some of it may be age appropriate. And there could be other factors I haven't thought of.

I also think Liam is a bit intimidated by him. One day he told me he didn't want to go to school after he'd been off sick for a couple of days, because Craig would yell at him, when asking him where he'd been. Liam *loves* school so I took that quite seriously. I told Liam we could talk to his teacher about it when we got there, so that's what we did. But, first we had to shake off Craig. He really likes Liam, and grabs him (sometimes metaphorically, sometimes not) as soon as we get there - or more often as soon as he gets there. But even though he likes Liam, he can be quite belittling towards him as well.

On this occasion Craig was there first, so he followed Liam into the classroom, where we went to deposit Liam's lunch and then to find his teacher, Margie. I was able to indicate to her that I would like to talk to her, but without Craig around, so she directed him to take down his chair and put his bag away (outside), while she led me and Liam into the little kitchen that comes off the classroom. Craig more or less ignored her and tried to follow. I was bringing up the rear, so I was the one who had to firmly tell him "No, I need to talk to Margie. Sit in your chair," and basically closed the door in his face.

Before I even told her what we were there for, Margie asked me if I'd had many prior dealings with Craig - she said he needs that sort of firm handling, firm boundaries set, but that some parents are intimidated by him and let him walk all over them. I hadn't had much to do with him, but enough I guess!

I asked a teacher-friend for advice, and she suggested nurturing relationships with other kids in the class who we like - remember, he is going to be in this class for seven years - having playdates with them, and avoiding playdates with Craig. So that's what I'm planning to do, as much as possible.

I guess my dilemma comes from the fact that I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. I mean, someone has to play with this kid. And if all the parents with - okay, I'm not sure how to say this without it coming across as completely egotistical, but what I'm trying to say is: this boy could end up being a troubled teen. He could. And if all more involved, boundary-providing parents discourage their kids from playing with him, who is he going to end up with?

Look, I have no idea if Liam would be a 'good influence' on him in the long run. But he might be. On the other hand, Craig might be a horrible influence on Liam. Already, I don't like the effects. What would you do? Or what have you done?

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*First one that springs to mind with my virus-befuddled brain, anyway.

Spiral Walk

I was getting frustrated with facebook not posting my (admittedly long) status update, when it suddenly dawned on me - I should write a blog post about this, not a status update!

I went to the 'spiral walk' at school today - a beautiful reverential ritual involving nearly 60 six- and seven-year-old children with candles, slow marching in time to harp music in and out of a spiral of ivy and red camellias: in the near dark and almost complete silence (except for the music). Wonderful.

Edited to add pic and detail:

This is a picture of the spiral the kids walked around before the lights were turned off (and the kids brought in). They walked into the middle to light their candles, then out again while other kids were still on their way in. There were red camellias placed at about each metre along the ivy, and on their way out they placed their candles next to the camellias, so that by the time they had all gone through, it was a spiral of candles as well as ivy. It looked fantastic.

Once they all came out of the spiral they sat down in the far corner of the room, and one of the teachers told them a story, all still by candle light.

Chris didn't come because he had Kaely (they asked us not to bring toddlers because of the need for quiet for a long period - the whole thing went for about an hour). Liam said to Chris tonight "I wish you could have seen the candles, it was so beautiful."

[It is true, twitter and facebook have at least as much to answer for, in terms of my lack of blogging, as work and study do. But that's a whole nother post.]

Two mums *and* two dads - how cool is that?

This is a random conversation we had in the car on Saturday. Not sure where it came from, as we hadn't been talking about J or his family.

Liam: Does J have two dads?

Me: Yeah he does.

Chris: How lucky is that - two mums and two dads?

Liam: Yeah!

(J lives in California with his Mum, my best friend, and his Mama, my best friend's wife. His bio-Dad is also an important, involved person in his life, and since he is also married (though not legally - they don't live in the right state for that) J has two Dads as well.)

I've blogged about this before, but it bothers me how little real diversity Liam sees in his day to day life, particularly with regard to sexuality and family styles. And what bothers me too is how I have failed to offset the reality of the dominant culture he lives in by providing non-dominant role models in books. Because the fact is, that while we have some books (at least one anyway) with two mums, and others with only one mum or one dad (none with two dads I think), and quite a few with people of colour, and we borrow others from the library from time to time, there are scads and scads and scads of books - both in our house and in the library - with one mum, one dad, three kids, all white.

And at school almost all Liam's friends have a mum and a dad, living together. A few (and no doubt this will increase with time) live with their Mum and see Dad on weekends. Most of them are white, though not all. Most of the Dads work full-time. Many of the Mum's work part-time, while many are SAHMs. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with stay-at-home mum's - or dads - Chris and I would both like to be them! It's just that I want Liam to see that there are options. That there is not one right way to be or to live.

Anyway, this is a bit of a rave with little focus, but I'm on my lunch break at work blogging a day late (in Australia, but it's still the 1st in much of the world) for Blogging for LGBT Families Day 2009. And this is where the that conversation with Liam took me. Any recommendations for books with different family structures, particularly books with two mums or two dads where that's not seen as a big deal - just a general background feature of life - much appreciated. Anything from picture books for Mikaela, who is nearly three, to chapter books to read to Liam, who is seven.

Is this normal, or is it something special about Orana?

I love Liam's school. Especially in this beautiful autumn weather.  In the mornings at drop-off Kaely and I walk down with Liam, and hang around for a while.*

This morning we got to school about 8:40 and left at 9:15. I chatted with other kids and parents while Mikaela played in the sand, in the various kid-built 'cubbies', on a log. Once the big kids went inside I stood in the sun pushing Kaely in the cloth 'swing',** which she loves above all else at school.

This afternoon, if it's nice, I'll take a picnic afternoon tea and we'll probably stay at school until about 4pm. There may be other kids and parents about, or there may not, but either way we'll enjoy this autumn weather while it lasts.

Are other schools like this? Or is it something particular about Orana - or about Steiner schools - which makes them such lovely and welcoming places to spend time?

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*Very occasionally I drop Liam off without coming down from the carpark to his class - at his request - but when I do I usually feel a little bereft. He really wants to start taking the bus to school, but I'm not quite ready for that yet.
**This is a swing made out of a very large piece of material which has three ends tied to a horizontal poll. Little kids like Mikaela can climb right inside it, bigger kids make sort of a scoop seat for themselves with their legs hanging out.

"I want to puke in the bucket"

The first thing Liam told me when I got home from work just now was how he puked (on himself and on a shop floor) a couple of times today from coughing. I then got him a bucket, since I've come home to find him sitting on the couch watching TV, still coughing incessantly.

Mikaela: Is Liam going to puke in that?
Me: Hopefully not.
Kaely: I will puke in it too.
Me: Why don't you and I not puke at all.
Kaely: No, I want to puke. I want to puke in the bucket.

Liam, after his first day in class one

Liam "Hi Mum. When do I start after school care?"
Me "You don't."
Liam "Well, can I?"

Whirlwind week in Melbourne

I've just been in Melbourne for a week, and would love to blog it all properly, but when is there time?

We hadn't been down there as a family for four years, and sometimes it seems like we have more friends in Melbourne than we do here, so it was a bit of a hectic week. I would have liked to stay for longer, but when you are imposing on friends with your two children - well, it's a whole different thing to when you could just crash on the couch without much impact. So a week seemed about the limit. Not to mention that we had someone house- dog-, cat- and chicken-sitting for us, and they had to leave yesterday.

Anyway, during the week we managed to get to Scienceworks, with the family with whom we stayed, swim in the Yarra with some other friends who live out at Kangaroo Ground, tour the Children's Garden at the botanic gardens with a friend we stayed with for a month back when Liam was a baby and who now has a two year old of her own (and I highly recommend the gardens to anyone with youngish kids, but take a change of clothes and a towel!), have a picnic with a friend, a play & a coffee in Fitzroy Gardens with Chris's brother and partner, and brunch at a lovely cafe out at Belgrave with my sister and family. We also got to spend quite a bit of time with my sister and her new baby, and of course with the people with whom we stayed. They have a Liam too (although theirs is ten), and while there was a little friction towards the end (our Liam got upset and felt forgotten when their Liam had a sleepover with another friend), they got along really well, and ten-year-old Liam was very sweet to six-year-old Liam, especially when he realised about the forgotten feeling.

It was very hot though. Maybe next time we do Melbourne we should pick a different time of year, we always seem to be there in Summer.

Liam's experiment

Liam's been asking me if he could do an experiment. This is his 'recipe':

4 cornflakes
1 tsp breadcrumbs
2 tbsp rolled oats
water

Instructions: put it all in the blender and blend.

I put him off for a couple of weeks, cause he always asked at bad times (like when we were about to have dinner). But finally on Sunday I let him do it.

He ended up with about 2 tbsp of cornflakes because that was the end of the packet, but the rest he did as written. After he'd given it a good blend, added some more water and blended again, I could see him wondering what to do next - it was pretty disappointing really, as experiments go. Over very quickly, and nothing happened except that it got all mushed.

So I asked him "What do you want to do with it? Are you going to eat it, or feed it to the chickens or Lochie, or do you want to cook it maybe?" He said he wanted to cook it, and, after some consideration, decided to do so in a saucepan.

As he was stirring it and it was becoming more solid, we talked about how it was a bit like porridge really, so he decided to eat it with some milk and (at my suggestion) some of the apricot and apple sauce I'd just made. He only took half - thought he'd save the rest of Kaely (it went to the chooks, in fact) - but he ate it all and said it was yum. It wasn't bad actually, with the apricot sauce.

Making apricot jam plus bonus apricot & apple sauce recipe

Yesterday we went to a friend's house and brought back three large bags of apricots. I've never made jam of any sort before, and it turned out to be pretty easy. Liam was keen to get started quickly, so we made a batch yesterday afternoon.

Another friend told me that the secret to apricot jam is to use equal parts apricots and sugar (by weight). She also told me to google it, which I did and which told me to add about 1/2 cup of water, some lemon juice (in fact I added a whole half lemon and the juice of the other half) and a few apricot kernals. Liam had fun bashing the stone with a hammer to get those out.

I think it's actually a bit sweet, so I think I'll try it with a a little less sugar for the next batch - I might even follow one of the many many recipes that came up when I googled 'simple apricot jam'. But it was still pretty cool to be putting away 6 jars of jam last night, plus a 7th half jar into the fridge. Liam thinks it's delicious!

Today, for variation, I made apricot sauce. Another friend mentioned using mint and lemon and a little sugar, so I made up my own recipe using those, plus apple. It was:

About 700g halved apricots
About 400g chopped apples (picked from another friend's tree)
About 200g sugar (could use less)
1 small lemon, peeled (from our garden)
About 1/3 cup water (ie about 80-100ml - I didn't actually measure it)
Some mint (from my mum's garden) - about 1 tbs chopped maybe? I didn't measure the mint either, and I didn't chop the leaves up, but it would have been better chopped.
2 apricot kernals

Basically combine, bring to the boil, and boil or simmer until soft.
Then blend it up (I used a stick blender directly in the saucepan, but you could transfer to a blender. Obviously if you want to bottle it you'd then need to reboil it for sterility.

I didn't make that much, cause I wanted to try out the recipe and see how it went, so I couldn't be bothered bottling it. I've put half in the fridge which I expect we'll use in a couple of days (on ice cream, for instance), and the other half in the freezer. I don't know that much about preserving stuff - like whether that would be enough sugar to preserve it, or whether you don't in fact need much sugar as long as you do the whole boiling the jars, filling and sealing while hot thing.

My Dad told me that his gran used to melt wax and use it to fill about 1/2 cm in the top of the jar to seal it properly. I think I'm going to try that with the next batch. I wonder if it needs to be bees wax? If regular parafin wax would be poisoning?

Anyway, it worked out to be really yummy. The mint flavour is definitely a nice touch.

 

Things I would be blogging about if I wasn't so tired...

• Web 2.0 in government - it is fun to be getting to be part of this conversation (in my work, not on my blog - because of the tiredness y'see). Interesting post from Lindsay Tanner (and some interesting comments) on his blog at fairfax digital.
• Funny things Mikaela is saying these days - like how she says 'Munooz' for both muesli and music. I keep meaning to record all this for the 'baby book', but I am not doing very well lately.
• How Liam thinks he is going to be Joseph in his school nativity play on Friday morning - he's pretty sure, he says, because he was Joseph again in the practice today and he can carry the candle really straight. This is a sweet little play they do in kindergarten where all the kids sing the whole thing, but some kids also have 'parts', while others are the angels who file in around the outside. It lasts for maybe ten minutes (including the procession in), and then we all get morning tea and school is over for the year.
• The vegie garden, which is finally starting to look like one - we are picking silverbeet and snow peas and stacks of parsley and will very soon be picking zucchinis and cherry tomatoes as well.
• How Liam decided he wanted to get involved in the garden and so he has his own little patch in which we (he and I together) have planted potatos and cucumbers (I know, not really a match companion planting-wise, but they were two things we hadn't been able to fit into the main garden).
• Our littlest Silky chook who has (I think) Mareks disease, which I am treating with, I kid you not, a mix of cranberries, brazil nuts, garlic, plus to drink pomegranate juice and gatorade. I got it from a chook forum (okay, I'll find the link... Backyard Poultry forum), and it seems to be helping.
• Out new car, which we've converted to run on LPG which I'm pretty sure is a good thing (and was helped by a $2000 government rebate) (but how we have to hurry up and sell the old one so I don't get into the habit of driving to work like I did today).
• How hungry I am right now
• But how I need to go to bed and so I think food - and more blogging - will have to wait for another day.
• g'night.

Permanent agri/culture is permanent!

Liam had a playdate at a friend's house on Friday afternoon. When I got there the friend's mother was telling me some of the nice/funny things that had happened - like Liam singing the whole of 'Mean to Me' (by Crowded House) with full rock 'n' roll effects and no selfconciousness. (He's learned it by listening to and watching live versions, like the Farewell to the World concert, so he puts in all the extra bits.)

Another thing was when she asked him about permaculture - what it was. His answer? He didn't really know exactly, but he coud tell her it was permanent. And it used potting mix. And was natural.

Siblings

Up until recently Liam and Mikaela played pretty well together. Which is to say, Liam tolerated Mikaela amazingly well, and never really seemed to resent her.

All that has changed in the past couple-few months. They still play nicely some of the time, but Liam is getting increasingly frustrated with Mikaela. With her not doing what he wants, with her wanting to follow him and do the same thing as him all the time, and with her wanting to (gasp) share his mother. Actually, she doesn't want to share me, she wants to own me.

"Mine," she says, when Liam wants me. And heaven forbid he should sit on my lap for a cuddle. That gets her completely riled.

Hmm, I'm starting to see where his general frustration might be coming from.

It saddens me though, because until now they've been so lovely together so much of the time. Sometimes they still are, but there is a lot of - basically meanness - from Liam towards Kaely now as well. I hope it's a passing phase, but what I suspect is that it will settle down, but it won't go away completely. Not until they are adults who've had years of therapy to work out all their deep seated problems.

Meditations for kids

Following a post from Trish a while ago at Imperfect Parent, I borrowed a book from the library called Meditations for Kids, by Kids. It's not the book Trish was talking about (which was The Wishing Star: Meditations for Children) - they didn't have that one in the library. But I liked the idea of reading a meditation with Liam each night before he went to sleep, so I thought I'd try the one they did have.

It's been a good experience. We've been right through the book once, and are half way through again. Sometimes Chris reads him a meditation after Liam and I have finished our 'book & chat' time and I have gone off to nurse Kaely and put her to bed in our room. Or sometimes if Liam is still awake when I've got Kaely down, I read him one then.

Each of the meditations is written by one of four kids in a family. The youngest was, I think, four at the time of writing (he's only got one or two in there) and the oldest was about ten (she has a lot). They all have the same basic structure - you go into your peaceful garden, hang your worries on the worry tree, take a few deep breaths, let go etc. - and they tend to have lots of comments about being safe and loved.   In the middle of that, some are rather quirky. But all are engaging, as far as Liam is concerned. One includes a dolphin ride into the quiet depths of the water. Another involves Pixies. Many involve friendly talking animals.

At first Liam said he wasn't going to 'do' the meditation, he just wanted to listen. Now he tends to close his eyes as he listens and take the deep breaths when instructed, but he still often bounces up at the end to ask for another one. Recently when he did that I told him the idea was to stay relaxed afterwards and let himself drift off to sleep. I don't know if he took that to heart, because I haven't read him one since then, but last night after our goodnight kiss and cuddle he said "I think I could just lie here and drift off to sleep now," so maybe he did take it in. Either way, I think we'll keep up the habit of bedtime meditations. It's a soothing way to end the day (and lets face it, the pre-bedtime part of the end of the day is usually anything by soothing), and I like the idea of Liam gradually developing the skills of mediation, or at least of relaxation.  It's something we could all do with more of.

From Hi-5 to Finn Brothers - which would you prefer?

One of the great things about having a six-year-old child, as opposed to a four-year-old, is the music.

When Mikaela was born Liam was right in the middle of an obsession with a single Hi-5 CD, which lasted several months. We heard that album over and over and over again. So did my mum and step-dad. Poor Mikaela, it was her main introduction to the world of music!

But later that year, he has developed a taste for adult music.

In quick succession, Liam decided he liked Indigo Girls, Crowded House, Victoria Stanborough, Tori Amos and others. His latest craze is with the Finn Brothers (Neil & Tim Finn).

There is a down side to this, which is that we are 'forced' to listen to the same albums and some times the same songs, over and over, before he gets sidetracked by something else and moves on. For instance, he's been in love with one of the Finn Brothers' albums now for several weeks, and so while I occasionally manage to get something else into the car CD player, that one CD has been in their on repeat for most of that time. And it's only a relatively recent preference for Liam. Even one's favourite music can eventually get worn out under those circumstances, but on the other hand - it's still better than listening to Hi-5!

The sound of metal on metal

We were very nearly in a car accident yesterday.

I was driving down the Parkway (freeway, speed limit 100kph, two lanes each way), on the way to drop Liam at school. It was raining, though not hard, and the traffic was slow. Up ahead I noticed a car swerve into the left hand (slow) lane, perhaps thinking that we were going to have to merge anyway, if there was an accident up ahead, but then a few cars later it swerved back into the - now slightly faster - right lane. Why people do this is a mystery to me. It simply cannot make that much difference to how quickly you get where you're going, and frankly, it's dangerous. My suspicion is that someone doing exactly that is what caused the accident we weren't quite in.

Traffic was slow, as I said, but still moving along okay. I would guess no accident up ahead, just Canberra drivers in the rain. The brake lights of the car in front of me came on, so I gently slowed also. Then I realised there was nothing gently about the slowing, the traffic was almost coming to a stop suddenly. So I put my brakes on significantly harder. Luckily tailgating is a pet peeve of mine, so I had plenty of room. It did cross my mind though, as I quickly slowed, to hope that the driver behind me was paying attention. She was. Unfortunately the driver behind her either wasn't, or hadn't left enough room.

There was a thunk and a crunch and as I glanced into my rear view mirror I saw the car once-removed behind me bouncing off the one immediately behind. I think the rest of the traffic managed to steer clear, and both cars were moving off the road, even as I was wondering if I should stop, and realising that I couldn't, being in the right hand lane and already moving on.

I hope no one was hurt. I told Liam - who had clearly heard the accident, though not seen anything - that they seemed to be okay, as they were both able to drive off the road, but of course, I don't really know.

It really drove home for me how easy it is to be in an accident. I mean, I never have been (touching wood as I type) and I've never even seen one happen before. Though once, as Chris and I were heading down to Melbourne in the driving raining, a car spun out of control on the other side of the road, spun onto the median strip, and looked very likely to spin off it right into our path. But didn't. The driver managed to get control finally, just before he hit our side of the road.

But that's just it. In either of those cases, there was nothing we could really do. Certainly for the driver behind me yesterday, she did everything right, but still, someone crunched into the back of her.

Last year one time Liam accidentally peed in his car seat, and the next day (while the cover was drying) I let him sit in the middle seat with just a lap belt, just to drive across the suburb. I went at 40kph the whole way. A few weeks later I read of a girl - about four or five I think, I can't quite remember - who was in a car accident driving in a school (40) zone. She was only wearing a lap belt too. And she died, of internal injuries caused by the belt. I've never let Liam do that again. And I know, it's highly unlikely to happen, but the thing is, sometimes accidents do happen, and you can't actually control the when.

Crafty autumn days

Liam's school had their annual autumn picnic on Sunday. Normally I would say 'we' had it, especially since as class co-ordinator of Liam's class I was involved in some of the organisation, but actually I didn't go - I was at home trying to re-write my essay for my master's project (which is driving me up the wall at the moment, but that's a whole other post!).

The autumn picnic is usually a lovely family day, with everything from sack races to sausage sizzles to home made soup to the craft table (the organisation and running of which is job of us kindy parents). This year it turned out to be the coldest day of the season so far, but a good time was still reportedly had by all.

Liam made this gnome and gods-eye at the craft table. Someone showed him how to do blanket stitch and got him started on the gnome and he did the rest himself, and the gods-eye he did completely by himself, having made his first one at the school's Spring Fair last year.

This is one of the things I love about Orana. All the 'hand work' they do. This year Liam has mastered finger knitting and French knitting in kindergarten, he brought home a little basket his teacher sewed for him out of his finger knitting, and is now working on the French knitting - two strands of wool at once too (for both finger and French). They don't learn to write until class one (next year), but this handwork is part of the way they prepare the hands and mind for that sort of handwork. And in class one they also start 'proper' knitting. I think they start with knitting socks or something, and progress to a hat at some point (maybe in a later year though).

I was never very crafty as a child - oh I learned the basics of knitting and French knitting, but I never actually completed a project. I all but failed 'textiles' (sewing, weaving etc) in year seven. I did do a short course in sewing with stretch material when I was about 18, out of which I got a few clothes and my still very basic sewing skills. But that's about it. So I love the fact that Liam is learning some of these basics right at the beginning of school, and will continue to do so through the years.

Meanwhile I, as you know, am going to knit a dishcloth. And I'm going to attempt to make Kaely a sleeping bag. She is fast outgrowing the one she's in now, and I haven't been able to find any in op shops (thrift stores), so I put a request for a size 3 sleeping bag on freecycle,* and someone responded with the offer of a pattern, and said she may even be able come up with some old bits of fleece for me to use. So I'm going to give it a go. I may just become a handy person yet.

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*I find this a challenging part of the whole 'no shopping' compact - asking for things. A lot of stuff I haven't been able to find second hand, and while in some cases that can just mean we don't buy it, some things we really do need. Okay, true, we don't *really* need them. Mikaela could wear a couple of extra layers to bed (she won't keep blankets on yet) and we could move her to a mattress on the floor (she's not safe in the cot without the sleeping bag any more, she can climb out). But... we need them enough, if you know what I mean.

So, I decided to start asking for things on freecycle. That's the whole point, after all, of freecycle - to move things around to where they will be used. But I do find it challenging to ask for 'handouts', especially as there seems to be a general philosophy that it should be more for giving than receiving (for instance I think the rules say you can't put a WANTED on until you've put an OFFER on). So I decided that I would have to put an offer on for every wanted I put on.** Not that that's a bad thing - after all, I am also trying to declutter. But even then, I do find the asking a little confronting. See how I am going into this long explanation about how I put 'offers' on and not just 'wanteds'? I find this discover about myself sort of interesting.

** (Footnote to the footnote:) So far I've put on two wanteds and two offers and got requests for both the offers, but for the wanteds have gotten a loan (which is good actually - it's a mini tramp for Chris to work his ankle on, and we're happy to be able to give it back at the end) and the offer of advice on how to make the item. So if this goes on the decluttering could become a reality. I still need to find things to put up for offer so I can request boys size 4/5 PJs, long sleeve tops & long pants - which I am counting as three separate requests. I am sort of wishing I kept those bags of clothes I finally give to Vinnie's (charity) the other week though.

Trying to remember the effect of exhaustion on children's behaviour

Liam's in the middle of a big weekend.

Yesterday after school (which finishes at 12:30 on Fridays in the kindergarten) we had his friend R over until his Dad could come get him after work, which ended up being about 6:00. Then we up and decided to go out to dinner,  despite still being on a spending freeze, despite Liam being of course quite exhausted. I don't think Kaely's ever been out to dinner before, that's how often we do this (Liam might have been out two or three times in his life before). But she'd had a long nap - normally I wake her by 3pm to ensure an orderly bedtime, but with R here all afternoon I decided to cut myself some slack and she ended up sleeping until 4:15! - so she was fine.

Then today we had another friend, S, in the afternoon. When her mum came to get her (shortly after five) she and Liam were just about to start colouring in*, so her mum dashed off to the shops and they ended up not going till I guess fairly close to six too. We also had visits with my mum and from Chris's dad today, so it's been a social sort of day.

And finally tomorrow - forecast to be the coldest day of the season so far, truly wintry - they have the autumn picnic on at Liam's school, which is the big family event of the season. I'm not going, because it's my writing day and I only have three weekends left before it's all due in (gotta try doing a substantial re-write of the essay tomorrow). I was feeling quite sad about missing it, but now I've seen the forecast, I'm feeling sort of lucky. Chris and the kids will still go though. And I imagine they'll have lots of fun.

But, even this morning Liam was already showing signs of being tired, after his big day yesterday. By this evening he was getting quite annoying (though he was fine up until the moment S left), and I really had to try to remember that he's overtired. By tomorrow night I hate to think what he'll be like. And unfortunately he has swimming after school Monday. After this sort of weekend I would probably keep him home from that, but it's the last class of the term, and he doesn't go back until Spring as the centre is closing down for the winter to do some work. I'm almost wondering if I should keep him home from school Monday instead. I guess I'll play it by ear, but either way I must remember: Liam is tired, and tired children find it hard to behave 'well'. Must remember!

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*Before this, in the three or so hours S had been here, they had built a boat (a box with a small broom for a mast), played with cars, done chalk drawing outside on the driveway in the freezing cold (but under cover from the on-again off-again light rain), rolled wool into small balls suitable for making gods-eyes, started making gods-eyes, and very briefly played with lego. S had also had fun playing outside with Mikaela, and told me several times she wished Kaely was her little sister.

Free play builds intellect

After school yesterday we had a play date with one of Liam's best friends, B, who doesn't go to 'our' school, but goes to one nearby, and two other mutual friends (twins) who used to go to B's school but now goes to Liam's.

The kindergarten playgrounds are enclosed, but the class one & two playground is out in the open, so we sometimes go down there after school finishes for a play, and that's what we did.

The boys (and one girl, B's four-year-old sister) played really well together, for over two hours. By the time we finally dragged them away it was getting dark and I had to call Chris to warn him that he'd be home before us, and could he please get something out of the freezer for dinner.

They played with sticks and logs and rocks and dirk (mud, really) building a 'dam' below a pond that the class-two children had built during the day. They filled it with bore water from a tap, using a big saucepan they found in the sandpit. It did leak a bit, but overall I have to say they did an amazing job, working together with virtually no supervision (their mum's being busy talking and supervising the toddlers), and no noticeable conflict.

One of the things their mum's were talking about was the importance of free play. B's mum, S, (one of my S friends) was telling us some recent research she'd heard about, that found that at this age free play is the most important factor in developing intellect.  And as we watched them 'working' none of us found that at all surprising. S's kids don't go to the Steiner school (though she's torn about it), but since free play is what they are doing a good 80% of the time in the Steiner kindy, the other two of us were able to feel quite smug.

Turning a corner (Liam at six)

The other week (month) I was saying to my Dad that the toddler age is so much fun because they are developing and changing so quickly, but it's not too hard yet to figure out what to do (not like with a five year old, let alone - oh the horror - a teenager).

But you know what? Watching a five/six year old develop is really fun too.

Liam seemed to take a big leap in his social development in the first term after school went back this year. At almost exactly five & and half we started having trouble knowing what to do with him - he started throwing tantrums, which he'd never done before, and just generally being difficult. Then I read that that's pretty normal at five and a half (the 'new tantrum age') and OMG it gets worse at six.

But when Liam was almost six things started looking up, and they are still good two months on. Not that everything is peachy all the time, of course not, but it seems to me that he has come through to a new place. He is one of the 'big kids' now at school (they have two years in together for kindy, instead of having four/five-year-old preschool and five/six-year-old kindergarten separately), and he seems to be taking to the role with surprising - well, it's a weird thing to say about a six year old, but - maturity. He's starting to get into being 'good', for perhaps the first time in his life. And boy it's nice to see.

For instance, last year after school he and two of his (older) friends would put their backpacks on their front and 'boom' into each other. Their teacher (J) repeatedly told them to keep their backpacks on the back, but it had no noticeable effect. Then one day last term I got to school and Liam and two (new) kids were doing this. I said - quite mildly - "What does J say about having your backpack on your back?" Liam immediately took his off and put it on his back, and told the other kids to do the same.  This is not the same child who finished up his first year of kindy in December, it's just not.

Another example.  One morning we got to school and Liam's friend R called him over to help them 'make poison for B'. B is a child Liam has mentioned a number of times as mucking up, being 'naughty', etc. In fact he bit Liam one day a few weeks before this incident (Liam was trying to take something from him at the time). But when I got there in the afternoon Liam ran over to me saying "Mummy, I have some really good news!" He was so excited to tell me that he is now "helping B be good." He's being friends with him, and showing him how to look for bugs. What more could a friend want?