narrating kayoz

Duh! Haywire hormones.

Well duh! Of course it wouldn't take a new pregnancy to create pregnancy nausea, because my hormones are still in free fall from the last one.

I don't have time to really blog now (got presents to wrap, house to clean, etc. - we're having Christmas here this year, including M-I-L staying with us), but just wanted to say that I am feeling a lot better this week. Still nauseous, but relieved to realise that a lot of what I've been feeling - physically and emotionally - is probably hormone driven, or at least hormone complicated. And I think that is settling down a bit.  If nothing else I have a whole lot more energy now than I did a week ago.

Unfortunately my herbalist suggested that we should take another month out from trying to conceive, to let my body recover properly. And although we ignored her last month and tried anyway, this month we are going to be obedient. Now that I've realised that my body is still not back to normal. 

Besides, constant nausea isn't all that conducive to hanky panky fun.

Nausea - pregnancy or anxiety?

What I haven't mentioned yet is that I have been feeling somewhat nauseous on and off for the past three days or so. Of course, this is probably just tension induced nausea - there would be nothing uncommon in that, and so I keep telling myself. And it is much too early for it to be pregnancy nausea. It couldn't possibly be that. Or so I keep telling myself. But... There's something else too.

On Friday I went to see my doctor about that almost blacking out thing that happened last week. I figured it was probably anxiety induced, but that I should look into it, just in case it was something else. My doctor agreed that it was consistent with the other symptoms I'd been experiencing, probably caused by chronic mild hyperventilation or shallow breathing resulting in too much oxygen and not enough carbon dioxide in my system. This in turn can cause low blood pressure. He suggested I carry a paper bag around with me.

Anyway, to get to the point, while I was there I mentioned that I'd been having very light spotting for a couple of days. I figured it was probably just an indication that my hormonal system is still a bit out of whack from the miscarriage, but again, thought I should probably mention it, just in case. What did my doctor say? He said 'Could you be pregnant?'

I'd forgotten that there can be slight spotting at the time when the fertilised egg implants itself into the uterus wall. And yes, it was around the right time for that. And yes, we had done the relevant deed at the relevant time. I can't remember if I mentioned that my herbalist suggested leaving it a month before trying again but my doctor said there was no need. We decided to follow his advice in this case, simply because I couldn't imagine waiting if I didn't absolutely have to. Anyway, he gave me a pregnancy test to use this week if my period is late.

I am really hoping it will be late.

UPDATE: Being pregnant might also explain my mood - and the fact that I lost it at work today and ended up leaving at midday in tears (over nothing - nothing happened, no-one said, or did, anything). I'm really hoping I can blame it all on hormones and not on my mind cracking up.

UPDATE 2: I'm not pregnant. So what is the deal with all this nausea.  A common bug or something?

I should see a therapist?

I think I am going to go and see someone about my recent mental health issues.  I mean, I've seen my doctor, and he was very supportive, but I only really talked to him about the physical symptoms - difficulty breathing etc. And I've realised that I'm actually really afraid of ending up needing some kind of medication.  Since just about everyone else in my family is or has been on anti-depressants at some stage, there's definitely a family history.

The thing is, I can't see how going and talking to someone will make any difference. It's not like I don't talk ad infinitum about everything and anything going on in my life, to whoever will listen.  Okay, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but HELLO? Public online journal anyone?

However, as Chris keeps pointing out, what they may be able to do is help with some coping mechanisms. 

The thing is, a week ago I was weepy and, well, weepy.  For no apparent reason.  And also angry about the whole work thing.  And yes about the miscarriage, but more about the work situation. But now - now I'm just: nothing.  I feel nothing.  I'm too tired.  Chris has been nagging me to write him a wishlist - it's my birthday this week - and I finally did today, but I just couldn't get excited about anything I might like.  I've been thinking of writing this entry for days, but until now I couldn't get the energy up. I still feel like I can't take deep enough breaths, so maybe that's part of it. Oxygen deprivation to the brain? But I also just feel kinda numb. And exhausted.  I said to Chris today, I feel like if I could just go to sleep for a few weeks and wake up to find that work has approved my application to remain part time until end June, and I'm eight weeks pregnant (and preferably not nauseous), then I'd be fine.

Except then we would have a zillion more unpaid bills.  That's the other thing I realised today.  We always seem to have a zillion things to do, a zillion bills to pay, papers to file, deck railings to paint etc.  And usually I'm okay with that.  I try to pay the bills before we get late fees and keep the dishes moving through the dishwasher quick enough so they don't grow mould.  And everything else can just happen slowly or wait.  But right now, all those papers piling up waiting to be paid/filed/read are getting to me more than usual.  And so of course instead of doing them, I go into avoidance mode and they pile up even further. I know that's dumb okay, so please feel free not to comment that if I just *do* the chores they will stop piling up and staring at me accusingly. I KNOW.

Speaking of which, I better go pay my latest credit card bill, or I will get a late fee.

PS It's not that I don't get any enjoyment out of things. I had some friends over this morning, and I enjoyed that and didn't want them to leave.  I went to see a movie with Chris last night, and I enjoyed that too, and laughed at all the right things.  It's just - I didn't feel happy, at either event.  And I don't feel happy in between times.  I just feel - blah. I just want to go to bed. And that's not normal for me. Not at all.

Update on my mental health

Last week: Lovely.  Still had tightness of chest/shallow breathing on occasion, more as the week wore on, but overall I felt quite good and relaxed.

Since then: Not so great.  What is it about going to work that sends me into a spin and closes my lungs up?

Sunday afternoon: (may or may not be mental health related) on the way home from a Canberra bloggers BBQ, sitting in passenger seat of car, suddenly had a feeling of wheeziness followed by my vision almost blacking out. It felt like when I fainted when I was pregnant, except I didn't faint. (don't think this was anything to do with the BBQ, by the way, which was great - thanks Zoe - I will get around to blogging about it soon)

Also had a few moments of wheeziness the day before, walking around at Wamboin and had it on and off all day Monday at work.

Monday: Went to work. Wished I had taken my doctor up on his suggestion of two weeks off, not just one. Was almost in tears several times during the day (OK, there were tears, but not sobs, not real crying) mostly when someone showed sympathy over the miscarriage. Had restricted breathing from some time early that day (but not until after I got to work I'm pretty sure) and all the way home in the car.  Couldn't breath in far enough. Suddenly noticed at around 7:30pm that I could breath relatively normally again - felt like my chest was still tight, but I could take full breaths in.

Monday night: more crying. This was not about the miscarriage. Talked to Chris about what I loser I feel like.  How ridiculous I must be to be getting so worked up over so (relatively) little. He argued with me, going into true fix-it mode, but also held me till I felt better. What a good husband.

Monday late night: woke up around 3am, couldn't get back to sleep for an hour or more. Lay there getting more and more wound up.

Tuesday: Woke up tired. Found it hard to motivate myself to do anything. Forced myself to clean the kitchen, mostly to see if I could. I could, but failed to feel my usual sense of accomplishment in completing boring chores. Got a call from Team Leader, around 11am, about day swaps and work Christmas lunch. Sent me into a fury (not with him).  Found it very hard to concentrate on being a good parent, being patient etc. Liam of course responded by acting out, tipping his whole tub of yogurt out.  Eventually we went to bed for our nap and I cried us to sleep.

Tuesday afternoon: feeling wheezy again, but breathing moreorless OK otherwise. Realised that this stress and anger about work has been coming on for a long time.  I have been frustrated by the non-supportive culture in my department ever since I returned part time.  And in truth before that, but then it wasn't so personal, since I wasn't part time.

Maybe I should get out after the next baby.  Assuming there is one.  It's hard to have any perspective at the moment though.

Fighting

I realised today that it's not actually the thought of putting Liam into child care that's making me so tense.  Or not solely.  It's more that because I don't think that's the right thing to do, I find myself having to fight.  And because I think my workplace is out of line and not properly honouring my contract, I find myself having to fight.  And because I don't think they should be allowed to get away with that, in this case or any other, I find myself having to fight.

And that is what is making me so tense.

I love my doctor

More about my day off.

I saw my doctor on Monday afternoon after work about the miscarriage, whether I needed to do anything etc (answer: no).  But I also talked to him about being stressed and the fact that I'd been somewhat depressed since the miscarriage. Tense, unable to motivate myself to do basic chores, difficulty breathing sometimes, crying, that sort of thing. Especially on work days.  I figure that's reasonably normal for the short term, but combined with the ongoing work related stress I just thought I should mention it to him, seeing as how I have a very strong family history of clinical depression. Not that I expected him to do anything about it, just that I thought it might be good for him to be aware of it, so he can ask probing questions at future check ups.

Anyway, he was really supportive, and he gave me the rest of the week off. In fact, he would have given me two weeks off if I felt I needed it. He seemed to feel that it was quite important to get the stress thing under control, pointing out also that it's not really helping with the whole fertility thing (something I am very conscious of).

I was just amazed how much better I felt walking out of there. I think it was a combination of knowing I didn't have to go to work for the rest of the week, and just knowing that he was really supportive. He told me if I have some days when I wake up and feel I just can't face work, that I should consider calling him and staying home.  I know I'd be highly unlikely to do that very often, if at all, but just knowing I have the option makes me feel lighter.

I think I was also fairly tense about talking to him about it.  Not that I thought he was going to laugh me out of the office or anything but... I know that look people can get, when other people complain about being stressed. It's like, 'Get over yourself mate, everyone has to deal with those things.'

In fact, one of my quite good friends at work said almost exactly that to me about the whole childcare thing. She didn't actually tell me to get over myself, but she did comment that it was a stress everyone goes through. Which has some truth to it. I know she decided to come back to work part time when her boys were around seven or eight months. And yes, she said there were days when she'd leave them screaming, when the family day care mum would have to drag them off her, and it was awful. Stressful even.

But actually, this is different. For one thing, I didn't decide, yes I will go to work and put my kids in childcare.  I specifically decided that I didn't want to do that.  Originally I thought maybe we would, for one or two days, when he got older.  But now he's older, and I'm not comfortable with it.  And had I not been given the wrong information at work all year, I might be six months pregnant by now and not have to worry about this at all. But because they only belatedly decided/told me that my director's support for me staying part time is irrelevant, I didn't start trying to get pregnant early enough.*

For another thing, I honestly, truly believe that childcare is not the right option for Liam.  That the best thing for him is to stay home with me or his Dad; to socialise with other children at play group and play dates, usually with us there in the background. I know that many people think childcare is actually a positive thing. No doubt it still causes them some grief to leave their little ones crying for them to stay, but over all they think their children benefit. Well, I don't. Not Liam. But that makes me the odd one out. I have a different parenting philosophy to those people, and while I respect their choices, I don't want to be forced into adopting them for my child.

But it's more than all that too.  I think I have a new understanding of what people mean when they claim to be stressed.  Of why people actually go out on stress leave.  Of why it contributes to heart disease, among other things.  I thought I understood before.  I didn't.

*Have I mentioned how frustrated I am by the fact that we specifically decided to wait this long to try for another baby because we felt it would be better for Liam, and now because of that we may have to put Liam into child care, which I think is definitely NOT better for him? If I'd known that, I might have another baby by now. Which I would be very happy about. Very.

No baby

It comes time to explain why I am feeling so drained after my holiday instead of refreshed. 

The holiday itself was great.  The wedding we went to in Ballarat was both lovely and a lot of fun. Liam had a great time and still didn't want to leave by 11pm - he wanted to keep dancing to eighties music and jumping on the coloured lights reflected on the dance floor.

Catching up with our friends and family in Melbourne was also great.  Our friends even let us stay in their house after they took off for Adelaide, which was extra nice because it was all child proofed and full of their two-year-old's toys, books, DVDs... And otherwise we would have had to stay in my sister's completely unchildproofed house, without even her company to keep us entertained, since she was at work most of the time.

But.  After they left things took a turn for the worse. I am not going to go into all the details, emotions, hopes, fears etc as they play out. Basically on the Wednesday I started to suspect I might be pregnant.  By the Thursday I was certain. On the Saturday I miscarried.

I had already started having spotting, so on the Saturday Chris ended up staying home from the training course we were there for, so he could look after Liam and I could just look after myself. I know that no studies have really supported bed rest as a means of preventing miscarriage at that early stage, but I just felt like I had to do everything I could do prevent it, and that meant doing nothing. Had I been in Canberra I would have called my herbalist for some anti-miscarriage herbs, though I suspect with it happening so early and so quickly, they probably wouldn't have helped.

Anyway, that's that.  Now I have to start again. Though my herbalist did suggest giving it a miss this month to give my body a chance to regroup.

Of course, as well as all the other miserable emotions you might expect this to bring up, it also completely refreshed my work stress - the longer it takes me to get successfully pregnant the longer it might be that I have to work longer hours/full time and put Liam in childcare.

It also brought back all the anger about the position I find myself in at work.  If I - and the rest of my division - had been informed about the new anti-part time policy when it was developed (which, it transpires, was at least some months ago) I would have made a number of different decision this year, including applying in some corporate processes for other jobs, and starting earlier to try to get pregnant. Anyway I am frustrated, angry and stressed out about the whole thing.  Which is just icing on top of the nasty miscarriage cake.

Today was my first day back at work, and I found myself crying in the car half the way home.  Not about anything in particular. Just everything.  Every time someone at work asked me how the holiday was I went into an unconvincing 'Um, well, it was fine" mode.  I'm no good at lying - I couldn't bring myself to just fake enthusiasm.  But nor did it seem appropriate to say, "Oh yeah, it was great right up to the point where I had a miscarriage.  After that it sucked." So, I just kept it to myself, and found myself getting more and more tense as the morning wore on. 

On the way to the car I ran into another friend who also asked the inevitable question about my trip, and I didn't have time then to stop and talk to her about it - I'll probably tell her on Monday.  But having to fake it again sent me into a spiral of feeling sorry for myself which had me sobbing by the time I got to my car (about a minute later).

I think the thing is, or one of the things anyway is, that because it was such an early term miscarriage - we barely had time to start getting excited before the spotting began, albeit very very slightly at first - I feel like it's ridiculous to make a big deal of it.  It's very common, I know.  It doesn't necessarily mean anything about anything. (Even if I did read an article in my herbalist's waiting room just this morning about the increasing frequency of second child infertility (linked, at least by this article, with the increasing delay in having children at all), and how those people don't fit anywhere and no one really feels very badly for them - after all, they have one child don't they?)

And really, if it weren't compounded by the work situation, I wouldn't be feeling nearly as bad about it as I do/have done, I think. But on the other hand, to not mention it, to not tell people, makes it into even more of a big deal in my mind. And anyway I'm no good at keeping secrets.

One thing this has done is reaffirm the rightness - for me - of my decision to tell people fairly early when I was pregnant with Liam. I imagine we'll do that again. The idea of not telling people in case it doesn't work out is great, but then if you do have a miscarriage, no one even knows to feel bad for you, or to stop asking you (for instance) if you're pregnant yet.

By the way, I'm only just mentioning this now partly because I haven't had the energy to write it before, and partly because I haven't told my mum about it yet. So Mum, if you are reading this - don't be hurt that I haven't told you: I really was going to, but we haven't really had a chance to talk since I got back.

Assignment complete, but still stressed

I posted off my final assignment today - the memoir piece - which is a huge load off my mind. I really struggled with it, trying to get the right balance between memories and exposition. I went through seven quite different versions, plus multiple drafts of some of those. And the past three nights I was up late trying to get it finished. Trying to get a version I was happy with. In fact, three of the seven versions were invented in the last three days!

But I've also been feeling quite stressed about something else. Namely, work. I would love to have a good bitch and moan here, but it's really not the right forum to be providing details. Suffice it to say that I have been frustrated for at least a year by the fact that the agency I work for pays little more than lip service to its 'family friendly' policies. Oh, maybe that's not entirely true, they are certainly better than some. I have been able to work part time for the past 18 months after all. But. They have a lot of policies where some level of managerial discretion is allowed (whereas my contract says they have to let me work part time for at least two years after returning from maternity leave), and in those areas, managerial habit is not to honor the spirit of our agreement. Ie, if they don't have to grant something, they don't. I don't blame my direct manager for this. It is the corporate culture. And unfortunately that extends to treating part time workers like second class citizens.

Anyway, so I've been frustrated. But the new development is that there is a push from above to 'look at' our part time staff, and whether their hours are really appropriate to their job. That's the line they are giving, but in fact the push is simply to get rid of part timers wherever possible, as far as I can tell. So, despite the fact that in the last renegotiation of my part time agreement (only a month ago) my director stated in writing that she was happy to keep me part time, that my hours were in fact well suited to my job, I have now been moreorless told that they want me to go full time once this agreement runs out, or at least greatly increase my hours (read: four full days).

I haven't had a chance to speak to my director about this yet, so I don't know what my chances are of talking them down, but unless I'm pregnant, I'm thinking not good. If I'm pregnant when the issue arises, I'm hoping that they will just write me off as a lost cause. And I suspect that my doctor would support my request to stay part time if need be, because sitting at a desk became really painful last time, because of my pubic symphasis dysfunction - something I still haven't completely overcome, despite physio last year, and doing Pilates for about three months now (with a personal program). So I am not looking forward to finding out how that is going to go with the next pregnancy.

But, if it helps me to stay part time, that might be the silver lining. Because, and here's the thing, I really, really don't want to put Liam into childcare. I know other people do it, some from under six months. Bully for them. But I don't want to. Chris and I have lived on (effectively) a single income for two and half years now, because we don't want to put our children in care. The idea that we might be forced to do it now, when we are about to disrupt Liam's life in a huge way anyway (if I ever get pregnant), is making me both stressed and mad.

It's also frustrating that everyone at work who might be an ally or have some impact has their own kids in child care. So for me to be so anti putting Liam in care implies a) a judgement of their parenting and b) that I am too controlling and protective by far, and really this will do both me and Liam good. Both of which are crap, but I am sure there are people who think both those things.

So, the outcome is that between work and study I haven't been sleeping and have been more stressed and more tired than I remember feeling in a long while. Now my paper is in, I am waiting for some of the tension to leave my body, but so far there's been no change.

Update:  Re-reading this I can see it might look like I've gone into details after all, despite saying at the top that I wouldn't.  Believe me, I haven't.