narrating kayoz

Writing again

I have half an hour before my pilates session and I forgot to bring a book, so I'd really like to write a blog post, but... I've been staring at this screen almost without a break since 8 o'clock this morning (it's now nearly 5:30) and my eyes are fried. The computer's little workbreak program told me to find something else to do around 3pm, but I don't got nothing else to do. This is my job.

However, I am feeling somewhat revitalised and excited about writing again. I don't mean blog writing (though who knows, that may come too) I mean writing writing. Fiction writing, in fact. I am going to start by working on some things I already wrote but never really finished for whatever reason. Beginning with that novel I wrote a first draft of some years back now (where did that time go?), which I never sat down and edited into something good, for a variety of reasons which now seem somewhat foolish (although being tied up with the Masters was probably a valid one).

I want to talk more about this, but right now I just can't do it. Gotta shut down this contraption before my eyes fall out of my head.

TV free month is almost over (and why I am not writing anyway)

We've just about finished a month with no TV (officially it ends at midnight on Sunday), and I have to admit, in some ways it was pretty much a failed experiment.

Some of the things I thought/hoped would happen were:

1. We'd see an improvement in kid behaviour - this was probably the biggest leap, but I really hoped it might work. On the other hand, in terms of it's experimental value we didn't really do it at the right time, since it coincided with school going back and Liam starting class one, which I think has been fairly exhausting for him, despite how much he likes it.
2. I would write more - if not 'real' writing, then at least surely in the blog.
3. We would have more s-x.
4. We would go to bed earlier.
5. The kids would get out of the habit of asking for TV all the time (a very bad habit that developed during the holidays for a number of reasons)
6. I would get out of the habit of using the TV to give me a rest (from parenting) too often.

I think number five was the only one that really worked. The kids definitely did get out of the habit, and Liam in particularly was hardly bothered by it at all -then again, he is used to the no TV on school days rule, since we implemented it at the end of 2007, with his approval. So again, as an experiment the timing was bad.

On the other hand we didn't really do it for it's experimental value, so much as to achieve numbers four and five, because we'd been doing those things way too much in the holidays. And we did achieve those, but there were still lots of times when I desperately wanted to put it on just to give me a break, so I think I will still need to work at being strict with myself after this weekend.

The other way in which the timing sucked was in that I have started working on a new project at work, moreorless on top of my normal work. So although I only work two and half days a week (for money anyway!), on my two full days I've been doing ten or eleven hours and more each day. And the funny part about that is I really haven't been doing that much extra on the new project, but my normal work has happily eaten into the extra time.

I don't really mind the extra work. If I did I wouldn't be doing it. But I can see that I am going to have to be a bit careful about it. For one thing I think Chris and the kids are getting sick of me missing dinner and bedtime. Also, uni starts back this coming week.

For another thing, I have done (virtually) no writing all month.

And for another, I am tired.

Of course, that could be because I've been awake since four o'clock this morning. Thanks kids

Web 2.0 projects in Australian government

I thought it would be interesting to put together a list of web 2.0 projects the Australian Government is/has been running, if only for my own interest. Only because it seems to me that everywhere you turn at the moment there is another project team/department asking if they should have a blog or how they can do online collaboration or if they should use a wiki setup for their intranet.

I'm sure there are a gazillion, but I'll start with the ones I know of off the top of my head.

• Future Melbourne (run by the city of Melbourne to update their city planning)
• The ATO's Facebook page for eTax (aimed at raising awareness of etx with gen Y)
• The department of broadband had a two week blog to consult on "important questions of the future of the digital economy" in December (comments are closed but it's all still there)
• DEWHA's new one stop green shop project blog (which aims to engage people in the process of developing the website, share learnings along the way, try out some social media and see what works before the website is developed)
• I know a number of departments use wikis internally
• GovDex is the government's own for "collaboration across portfolios and administrative jurisdictions" which has numerous communities, both closed and open.
• The War Memorial has a blog - this is a bit different to most of the other things listed here because it's not a consultation style exercise, but it's the sort of blog I imagine we'll see more of quickly.
• Lots of libaries have blogs.
• The Australian Human Rights Commission had a blog for their sex and gender diversity project, which closed on 5 December. They seem to have also had a forum which may still be open.
• FutureProof is "a place for people to learn more about the NSW Government digital recordkeeping strategy and to share information about their own activities, projects and experiences in regards to digital recordkeeping."
• The NSW Commissioner for Children and Young People has a blog.
• The Sex Discrimination Commissioner had a blog as part of her listening tour last year.
• (edited to add Zoe's addition from comments:) NSW state archives has a flickr account. 

Okay, that wasn't exactly just off the top of my head, I did use Google. And there were dozens more of the style of the library or war memorial blogs. I'm particularly interested in the use of online collaboration tools as part of a consultation process, like the sex discrimination listening tour.

I'm also interested in the idea of building online communities, be it for sharing sustainability information & experience (part of one stop green shop's eventual idea), sharing digital recording keeping experiences (futureproof), or sharing information about books (I don't know if the library blogs allow for this, beyond the librarians doing it I mean, but they may - or a wiki system might work better). But of course, these don't have to set up by government organisations.

Blogging in gov 2.0/identity issues.

Trying to decide if I should set up a different wordpress account (or open id or whatever) - one that doesn't link here - to comment (and potentially post) on the new blog set up by the project team I am involved with at work. Do I keep - or create - two separate identities: a professional one and a "private" one?

If this would be a for profit blog in some way it would be clearer - or less clear maybe.

Let me think about this. If, for instance, I were a web 2.0 professional, and this was a related blog, and I was employed by gov as a consultant, then it would make sense to keep an identity that links back here I guess. But if I were a web 2.0 professional, and this was a related blog, who was *separately* employed by gov (on salary), then it would be important not to link back here, so there could be no suggestion of profiting from my use of public service resources (which, needless to say, is against the public service code of conduct etc).

But as it happens neither of these is the true scenario. This is in fact an entirely non-profit blog which I keep for my own entertainment, and all my paid work is done on salary for the gov.

Then again, I've already established that I don't necessarily want to send all my work colleagues to my personal blog, so that should make it easy to establish that I should set up a separate account, right? but then what of posts here about web 2.0 in gov etc. Should I have an entirely separate blog for them? But that doesn't make sense because I'm not posting about it enough to justify a blog. And I have always mixed up musings about writing, reading, internets, sustainability, and of course my lovely children, do why stop now?

Also, the other weird part is that I have an established blogosphere identity. So if I start posting on some blogs with one identity and some with another, doesn't that get a little confused? Especially since I also have both bloggers and colleagues and IRL friends 'following' me or as 'friends' on twitter and facebook.

What do other people do about this?

Convergence: work life, play life, blog life

My work life is starting to converge with my blog life. It's a weird thing, for someone who's always blogged semi-anonymously.

My nine year blog anniversary is coming up on 16 January. I started out blogging under the name Kay, an online pseudonym (and IRL nickname of sorts*) back in January 2000. Then I met some local people who I knew through their blogs, and it was a little weird being called Kay by some people and Kirsten by others, since I don't think I'd mentioned on the blog that Kay was a nickname. Finally I switched to using my 'real' name when my IRL and blogger friends collided on Facebook.

But the convergence continues. First, my colleagues at work became facebook friends. That was a little weird, what with it coming just after my miscarriage, which I hadn't told anyone at work about but had blogged about (and my blog was being imported to facebook). So I created a special friend list for colleagues that didn't include my blog feed or blog URL.

But then we started talking about web 2.0 at work, and the fact that I'd been blogging for a number of years came up, and I started doing some work with a project team who want to develop online community/collaboration/conversations around and through the website they are developing. When I say 'work' I really mean having some conversations, but this led to me giving my blog URL to a couple of people at work (though I don't know that they've looked at it).

Meanwhile AGIMO** are talking about web 2.0 in government and releasing draft guidelines for, for instance, public servants who are also private bloggers (that would be me).*** And on Friday I attended a 'workshop' to begin talking about the online collaboration strategy for this project I mentioned. It's early days yet (although things are moving fast, by dint of a close deadline), but we're talking about wikis, blogs, user reviews and ratings, transparency and collaboration.  All in a government context, but also in a public context.

Maybe it makes me an incredible geek, not only being interested in - nay fascinated by - web 2.0 and what it means, but also being interested in government, but I find this all incredibly exciting. Doubly so because the content of this particular project is going to be related to sustainability, another favourite subject of mine.

Still, it's an interesting convergence and I'm not sure yet how I'll handle it. The project team has set up a blog on wordpress. It's not in use yet, so I won't link to it, but I might do when it gets started. I've always been particularly careful not to say exactly where I work since I joined the public service. Which is different to many people who blog quite openly about their work, though this is probably more common for those who are self employed.

I've mused, from time to time, how I'd handle this blog in the context of getting more than an occasional article published.**** Dawn Friedman, for instance, has a blog that mixes the personal and professional (though she's careful what she says about work when she's working for someone else). She is "immersed in web 2.0 marketing" and has recently created a twitter landing page which links to her professional web pages and her blog.

But if I were to publish, say, a novel, would I want my readers to have access to my blog in all its years of openness? Or for a potential publisher or agent to judge me by my blog in all it's unfocussed uneditedness? Because in truth I use my blog mostly as a dumping ground for things I want to remember (about the kids especially) and for ideas I'd like to explore. And I mostly don't do the things I told the project team are the hall marks of most successful blogs, eg edit posts (or at least proofread thoroughly), know what the point/focus of your blog is, and ditto for individual posts.

But I hadn't considered the convergence would come from this side of my professional life. Not at all. On reflection that seems a little short sighted of me, but there it is.

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*But as an IRL nickname it was only used by one person, and she lives o/s now so it's really mostly be an in-print thing. And actually that one person doesn't use it now anyway.

**The Australian Government Information Management Office

***I've seen some draft guidelines on paper, but couldn't find anything on the website.

****Publishing world famous, critically aclaimed bestsellers, for instance :)

Work is fun

Sometimes two & a half days at work is just not enough. And sometimes two & a half days at home with the kids (not counting weekends) is not enough. I think I've made this comment before - as have many. It's a difficult juggle, and sometimes it feels like everything loses.

But overall I do think it's pretty great. And I feel lucky, although we did plan it this way. Chris and I joined the public service mostly because we knew kids were on the horizon and we wanted jobs with more security, more money, and especially the option to work part-time. Also, for my part, I just wanted to try to figure out what it was they were doing inside all those huge public service occupied buildings here in Canberra. I'd lived here most of my life and still didn't know how they worked or what they could possibly find to do.*

At the moment I'm working in a job where I sometimes feel in over my head and sometimes feel pretty competent. It's not much writing or editing, so that's different for me, but it's a lot of web stuff, so that's familiar - except it's more technical than most of the work I've done before.** In fact, most of my real experience for this job is from my play time, rather than my work time.

So it's challenging, and at the same time I feel like I am formalising and filling out some skills that I've been working on for a while, so that's really nice. And just lately there's even been discussion of Web 2.0 technologies (yo, blogging!), which of course is a particular area of interest for me, even if here (as almost everywhere) my ability to keep up with has been seriously crimped since the birth of Liam.

This week I was flat out at work. Today I arrived at 7:30, left at 5:00 and worked right through lunch. I wouldn't want every week to be like this, but sometimes - well, this may sound odd, but it's invigorating. Of course, the caffeinated coffee and chocolate I finally had at afternoon tea time might have helped with that too...
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*The answer, by the way, is plenty - and then some. But I'm still not clear on what a lot of it is.

**Which isn't to imply that it's terribly technical or anything. Not by the standards of the rest of my team anyway.

The Divided Heart: Art and Motherhood

I've just been listening to a radio interview with Rachel Power, author of The Divided Heart, along with two of her interviewees, and just listening to them talk inspired me to get back to writing something - even blogging.

I have written virtually nothing since I started work two months ago. A few blog posts, a few more half blog posts*, nothing else.

I blame it partly on settling into my new routine that includes three days a week in the paid workforce,** partly on a sort of post-intensive study/writing lull, and partly on the fact that I've been sick four (4!) times since I began work. That's roughly every two weeks. Currently I m just getting my voice back after two days without it, but to compensate one of my ears is completely blocked (and weeping!) and every sounds reverberates inside there, mixing in with the constant ringing. And that's not even to mention the sore throat, headache, wet cough etc. And this began two Sundays ago.

Of course another factor is Spring - I always have a hard time settling down to writing in the Spring, when what I really want to do is get out into the garden. Today it is a beautiful, sunny, 16 degree day, and what I really long to be doing is getting out into the vegie garden which has a lot of preparation needed before the Spring planting begins,*** but I know that what i should really be doing is resting, and even standing here at the bench typing on my laptop (which is the only way Kaely will let me get any writing done) is more restful than digging paths and lugging manure and mulch and sawdust. So when my brain is still available at night I've been re-reading books on permaculture and vegetables and herbs, and drawing out plans, trying to figure out how to make the best of my south-west facing block.

But back to the point of this post, which was writing and motherhood and Rachel's book. Rachel Power, I realised half way through the interview, is a very good friend of a friend of mine. A few years back when Liam was a baby, and her first child was a baby, and I was in Melbourne for a month while Chris completed his Rolfing triaining, our mutual friend was trying to get us together, and I remember she told me that Rachel was writing (or perhaps just thinking about at that stage) this book. We both had babies and lived on opposite sides of Melbourne and had transport issues, so we never did manage to connect. But it was partly talking to that same friend, a year or so later, that inspired me to start the Masters degree. I suppose I felt that studying and working part-time would simply not be possible at the same time as being the mother I wanted to be for my son.

Of course me studying did impact Liam. And (equally of course) that is one of the refrains of the book - the balancing act between doing the work you want/need to do and being the mother you want/your children need you to be. One of the women interviewed said that of course her children were impacted, but that for her it was about finding the compromise she could live with. Of course, that's something I suppose all working mothers (and to some extent fathers) live with, but there's a definitely difference between working for a certain pay check and working for a *maybe* pay check, somewhere in the future. For me, I suppose that I could make a living writing if I really really worked at it, but it would be a lot more work for a lot less money. So my writing becomes something that I fit into my 'spare' time, and hope to get bits of peices of published here and there.

Another difference between the at work mother and the artist mother is that the latter, whether she's paid or not, is very often a work-at-home mother, so her work is constantly interrupted and fit in around. Rachel Power spoke about the self-discipline required - that now she has finished The Divided Heart, it's so much easier to make the beds than to sit down and start a new project. Especially, I add, when you know that you will be interrupted over and over again. So far in the time I've been writing this post I have also

• changed a stinky nappy
• set Mikaela up with the trainset
• set Mikaela up with the barn and animals
• set Mikaela up with a pencil case and paper (and moved myself from the kitche bench to the dining room table so as to keep an eye on her and make sure she neither sucks any of Liam's textas (markers) dry, nor draws on my pile of gardening books also sitting on the dining room table)
• put on a load of washing (nappies)
• helped Mikaela with numerous pen lids, and rescued the same from her mouth.

One of the mothers on the radio mentioned the guilt over knowing that your children want to be with you, and yet you are argonising over the exactly word or phrase you need while they watch a video. Mikaela's not yet of an age or temperament where I can count on the tele to keep her occupied for more than about five minutes (although sometimes it will), but I have certainly experienced that guilt with Liam. For me though, when I was studying on a Sunday, it was more the sense that I was depriving not only the kids, but the whole family of 'family time' (since Chris was also working on Saturdays). So now that I am not studying, and Chris is not working on Saturdays for a while, I am relishing our long, two day weekends, but also half wishing I could justify shutting myself away in my study again. I said I was write in the evenings, but so far I haven't done it. Some women get up at the crack of dawn to write or paint or whatever before their kids are up, but my kids are up at about 6am lately, and I frankly am not going to get up significantly earlier than that - I don't get enough sleep as it is.

I am still planning to make the evenings thing work for me, but for the moment I really just need to try to get my health under control, and try to write a little more during the day I think, the washing be damned.

On the up side, I was interested to hear my experience reflected (and I gather this was also a common theme), in that having children actually makes the art easier, the work more efficient in some ways. There's something about knowing you only have ten minutes, or two hours or whatever that can focus the mind, reduce the procrastination, and enhance one's ability to make fast judgements. One of the women also commented that having children makes your emotional nerve endings that much more sensitive, which can actually be quite useful to an artist.

But now I have literally used up all my time for writing this morning. Kaely is moving towards melt down and needs to be fed and put to bed in time to get her up again to go pick Liam up for school. It's possible her nap will give me more time, but just as likely that she'll spend half of it in my arms and then wake up twenty minutes after I put her down. I don't mind too much - I love having her sleep in my arms, and it gives me an enforced rest too, which I could use. Then again I could also use the time to hang out those nappies before while the sun is still high in the sky, or to think about dinner, or perhaps I could plant some of those tomato seeds that arrived in the mail the other day, so they'll be ready to plant out in the garden by the beginning of November... right now though I'd better go organise lunch.

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*Because most of the time when I start writing Kaely interrupts after about two paragraphs if I'm lucky, and then again another para on, and so on until I completely lose the thread and the interest. Which is why the posts I do write are so jumpy from one thought to another - no time to stop and think or save a thought till later or re-structure afterwards, if i do that, it never gets posted at all.

**Which i am still quite enjoying by the way, and at least there I am getting to do a teeny bit of writing - currently I'm working on a story on WWII shipwrecks in Australian waters, as random as that sounds - though mostly I'm doing more mundane work of updating websites with other people's content.

***Our vegie garden has lain fallow since we moved the chooks back into their run a couple of months back, but we are about to get serious about it again - and see how that goes with Lochie and what we might have to do. In the meantime, on the weekend we finally got a couple more Silkies (another white and a blue) to be friends for Fluffy, which was very exciting and is another reason to be spending time outside.

Training

I'm in MySource Matrix* training today - just the basics. It's fun. So far I've been fairly bored at work, because with various people being away (the result of coming back to work at the start of the school holidays) I haven't actually got much work to do yet. But it's always fun to learn new things, and I haven't worked much in CMS's before and not at all in Matrix.

The truth is, I'm a geek at heart, and I love learning to use new software. And to get actual training it is an almost unheard of luxury.

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*Which is the content management system (CMS) which houses the website I will mostly be working on in my new day job.

Regular posting and/or writing

Clearly that regular posting thing has gone down the gurgler (is that the word?) since I went back to work.

Also I haven't yet sat myself down to plan out a regular writing time, much less sat myself down to write. However, I am getting there. In the psychology of change talk I think I'm in the contemplation phase (after pre-contemplation, but not yet on to planning, much less action).

I've been back at work two weeks now. This will be the third week (started Wednesday, because Monday and Tuesday are devoted to unpaid house and parenting work). I think maybe next week will be one to get serious about making time to write again. Next week.

Back in the workforce

I feel I should be blogging about the Garnaut Report today, but I haven't got the detail of it yet, and besides I'm sure there are many, many other people doing it better than I could.

So instead I'm going to blog about my new job. I started back to work in the public service this Wednesday. I'm still officially working for my old area (that is, they're paying for me), but I'm located in a different area. It's web work basically. Initially it looked like it would be more writing and editing, but it looks like it might end up being more the technical side of things, though perhaps with some editing, or at least providing advice about writing for the web.

And that's okay with me, because I'm going to be learning new stuff. Yesterday, for instance, I learned some new things about coding in XHTML (strict) which I haven't done before. Also the main website I'm going to be working on is in a content management system which I haven't used before, and the intranet (managed by the same area) uses SharePoint, which I also haven't used before.

More importantly even than the work, the team appears to be fairly together. By that I mean they seem to like each other, they're interesting people, and I think they'll be fun to work with. My last team was peopled with lovely people, but was nonetheless rather dysfunctional - most people didn't seem to want to be there. I think this is going to be quite different. There are also a number of other part-timers in the team, which is a good sign. I've only spent a day and half in their company, so I could be wrong about this team. But I don't think I am.

When I was studying psychology in year eleven, I remember reading that people's beliefs tend to match their behaviour to the extent that if you manage to change someone's behaviour their belief system will usually follow.

I've been back at work three days, and already I can see that working on me. I think I might just like working. True, it costs me the time I've spent writing over the past year. And if someone would pay me to sit in my study and write - write the stuff I want to - than yes, I would choose that. But you know, there's something rather pleasant about getting out of the house, getting to dress-up a bit, maybe even put on some makeup (though I predict that won't last another week) and be with other people.

Another nice thing is that while I was on leave the function of government I work under was moved from one department to another. So I am working in a new department, and of all the departments there are, it is probably the one I would choose. (The one I was in wasn't bad, but only because of the function that came across to the new department*, and even so, I didn't feel quite as at home there as I think I will here.) And now I am working in the main part of the department, so that potentially opens up opportunities to move into other areas at a later time.

And so, for the first time really in years I can see myself starting to think of this as a potential career, rather than just a job. So much, I think, depends on the team you find yourself in. I hope this one goes on as well as it has started.

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*Sorry about the confusing code, I don't want to actually mention department names. Though anyone from my team who read this would immediately know who I am, so I'm not sure why I am so careful. It's just my policy.

In mourning already

Even though I have very much been looking forward to having my master's project completed, so that we could have family weekends (or at least family days) again, so that we could get some things done around here, the fact is, I am really going to miss my writing time.

I comfort myself with the knowledge that I'll be going back to work in July and that could be interesting and challenging, and will still give me some days (two and a half hopefully) away from the monotony of housework and building cubbies, which quite frankly, I need for my sanity On the other hand it could also suck - it mostly depends on the people I end up working with, individually and as a team. And as yet, I don't know who they will be, or even what work I will be doing. If it's back to the job I left two years ago then the work will be relatively enjoyable - writing and editing and reading about art and culture and recreation in Australia. So that's not all bad. As to the people I don't know. I know the team has changed significantly since I left.

However, regardless of how that job works out (and in all honesty if I could avoid going back to work I would, despite what I just said about sanity), it's not going to be the same as having two days a week to focus on my own writing project/s. Granted, most of the past year I have been focussed on this masters project, which is also not the same as having two days a week to focus on whatever writing project I want, but - it almost is. If I had another year to work in here (without the requirements of a university course) I would probably focus on something a mite more practical than an academic essay - perhaps freelance articles, perhaps turning the fiction part of my project into a novel, or perhaps one of the other novels that are ticking away in my head. But I don't have another year, so whichever of those things I want to focus on (probably the first), I'm going to have to do it in my copious spare time.

Yeah, I am really, really, going to miss my writing days.

Still, the money's going to be nice.

The non-post, which quickly became Me Rabbiting On

From the claytons post direct to the non-post, and I haven't made it two weeks of posting every day yet. I wonder if this spells doom of my plans to make it through the entire month?

Two people I know IRL and one online (but not through blogging) are currently pregnant and happy about it - two via IVF one via an accident (though they were planning to start trying within a couple of months, just hadn't quite got there yet).

I am tired tired tired. Yet the idea of having a newborn in the house does not fill me with dread. Maybe that's just because I'm too tired to feel dread. Actually, I wouldn't want to have one right now. Kaely is not quite two and still seems waaay to young to me to introduce another baby into the house. All those people who have the second when their first is under two (or even under three, truth be told) are amazing to me. How they manage, but more than that, how they can even contemplate having another one early enough to have produced another one that quickly is totally beyond me.

Kaely is seeming quite a bit better, by the way, but still very grumpy.

I went to pilates tonight. I've been doing it since about three months before we started trying to get pregnant with Mikaela. I told my cousin (after her second baby in as many years) that doing pilates is just a price of having children and really must be done. A very middle class perspective.

I start back at work in only about 6 or 7 weeks. Seven I guess. Not sure how I feel about that yet, but it will be for a different government department than the one I left, because of the shuffling of portfolios with the new government, so that's sort of exciting. Or perhaps exciting is too strong a word, but you know what I mean I'm sure.

Liam's school has it's annual Autumn picnic this Sunday, but I can't go because I'll be writing. The deadline approacheth fast. I'm also missing one of his best friend's birthday parties the following week for the second or third year in the row for the same reason.

And now that I have rabbited on and on I am going to bed.

Rolfing ACT

Chris's Rolfing website is finally live, after having a 'be back soon' type sign on it for, oh, I don't know - three years maybe? But to be fair, he's been pretty busy in that time (and so have I, more to the point), and hasn't really had any need to promote himself. Now, however, he does. He needs to build up to three full days of Rolfing by the time my half-pay maternity leave runs out - ie early November - or face going full time in the public service.

As the only rolfer in Canberra, he does have kind of a corner on the market, but the downside of that is that most Canberran's have never heard of rolfing.

So here it is: Rolfing ACT, the website of Canberra's Number One Rolfer! Proudly produced using (free) blogging software :) Feel free to read it, link to it, promote it, even come for a session. And since most Canberran's don't know what rolfing is, and I'd even go so far as to guess most Australian's don't, here's your chance to ask any questions you might have. In fact, if anyone really does have a question, pop it in the comments and I will prevail upon Chris to write a guest post.

The planting of Liam's apple tree

When I left work a few weeks ago (two? three? it seems like a lifetime ago already) my lovely colleagues bought me some gifts. They cleverly called Chris for ideas (found his mobile number on his so-called website) and ended up buying an apple tree and a bookshop gift voucher. The voucher I am greedily saving for now; I'm always like that with vouchers. But the apple tree we just planted out - over Liam's four-and-a-bit year old placenta.

Yep, it's been sitting in the freezer all this time, waiting for us to buy an apple tree. So while on the one hand it seems slightly odd to use the apple tree that was bought as a gift for me because of the baby I shall soon give birth too, it also seems most appropriate that Liam's placenta should be planted out before the next one arrives. And it was nice that he is old enough to have some idea of what we were on about. So that apple tree, while it was bought as a gift for me, will henceforth be known as Liam's apple tree.

May it bear loads and loads of fruit and bring great blessings to the world - just as Liam is already doing.

The meaning of bliss

I am now on maternity leave. Yippee!!!

Aaargh - still sick!

Friday, and I haven't been to work all week. I even went so far as going to see my GP yesterday, to make sure it hadn't developed into some nasty secondary bacterial infection, but he said no, just viral. Rest/drink fluids etc.

Not that I mind not going to work really, but given that next Wednesday is my last day before mat leave, there are probably a few things I should be finialising this week. And I had a couple of days off last week too (for an unrelated reason).

And really, if I'm going to be off work, I'd rather be healthy and writing or doing something else useful (or fun). But it doesn't work that way of course.

I did speak to my herbalist today and she is mixing me up a batch of pregnancy safe mucas-removal herbs, so I'll go out shortly to pick those up. Hopefully I'll be better by Monday.

The dreaded lurgy, or, Getting ready part II - all the things that are not going to be done in time!

It's my second last week of work before mat leave and I'm off sick. About which I do feel a little guilty, but what can you do? At dinner on Friday night I started to notice a slight tickle in my throat and within two hours I was completely gone.

On Sunday I was feeling better already, and got up (though admittedly late) on Monday morning with every intention of going to work.  I was half way there before I realised what an idiot I was being, and turned around and came home. Just as well because by Monday afternoon I felt completely like crap again. And aside from anything else I do hate it when other people bring their nasty germs into work and spread them around.

On the upside for the weekend, I did complete a second draft of that story I wrote for uni - the one I thought maybe wasn't worth continuing with - and I'm pretty happy with it now (did most of that on Sunday). Which is just as well since my deadline was for this coming Sunday, and I still have to finalise the other assignment too, although I think it's mostly okay as is.

This is particularly good because I've been starting to feel quite stressed lately about all my self-imposed deadlines. In my head I need to have everything done not just before the baby comes, but before I go on maternity leave (ie Thursday next week). Everything being: the story & paper for uni; a clean house (ha!) and clean and tidy bedroom - my plan being not to get out of bed (this time) in the first days after the baby's born just because someone (say the midwife) is coming over*; all the baby clothes dug out of boxes, washed and placed in drawers (I've done some of this, but I'm sure there must be another box somewhere); the two boxes of stuff that came out of the hallway closet recently (before we had shelves put in) either repatriated with the closet or thrown/given away; the last year or so of filing done, and our financial books got up to date, so that we can do next year's taxes easily and simply early in the new financial year.

There's probably more, but that is a good portion of it.** And you know what, the filing/book-keeping stuff is still stressing me, but the rest of it not so much. Maybe it's because I'm sick and so I just don't care, but I think it's because I've got the uni stuff under control, and that was the main worry. And especially that I'm relatively happy with the story which a week ago I thought might be unworkably bad.

I'd still like to do all those other things, and in addition I'd like to finish a different story and submit it to Literary Mama's 'Desiring Motherhood' issue (deadline is the end of June), but you know what? Most of it probably won't happen. Because the fact is my 'before mat leave' deadline, while somewhat aribitary (chances are the baby won't come for another four or more weeks after that), was also sort of real. In fact it's still nearly two weeks away, but already I am incapable of doing a lot of that stuff - especially anything involving bending/lifting - even filing - without a lot of the belly pain I mentioned. Plus there's the fact that Chris may be away the Sunday-Monday after I go on mat leave, and will be away the following weekend.

But right now I think that's all okay. As long as the filing/bookkeeping gets done (and I must admit that is a big if) everything else will be okay. In fact, I'm rather over getting ready now. If it weren't for the fact that of course I don't want my baby to be premature, I'd be hoping for contractions to start any minute. I am beyond ready.

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*Which isn't to say I won't get out of bed at all, just that last time I missed out on naps I could have had, because I felt the insane need to be up and dressed just because someone might be coming over.

**Of course there's more: I haven't written out a birth plan or bought a baby book yet (or indeed seen one that I would be remotely willing to use), I haven't got a present ready for Liam to celebrate the birth of 'his' baby, I haven't even called the woman I've been meaning to talk to about a refresher in hypnobirthing/calm birthing... there's heaps more.

Not writing - the whys and wherefores

Now that I am working in a job I really enjoy again, and am newly re-obsessed with the garden/permaculture/the very cute chooks, I get why I didn't do much serious writing for the few years before Liam was born. We spent five years living in a completely new house with *nothing* in the garden except shale and clay when we moved in. We did a lot of gardening, and especially talking about gardening. In other words, I had another obsession to occupy my weekends and more importantly, my reading/planning/thoughts.

But perhaps more importantly, I also had a job I enjoyed, at least for the most part. Or a couple of different jobs actually, since I did a complete career change about two years before Liam was born. So I didn't have that sense of urgency about developing a different career as a freelance writer.

Okay, there were other factors too, like maybe I didn't take myself very seriously, and maybe I really did kind of believe that I would have *more* time after kids, at least when I was on mat leave (I know, what a fool). But enjoying my job and obsession with my garden are certainly enough to keep me from writing much this time around. But then, it's Spring. Give me a few months, I'm bound to get over it again.

(Got a reminder message from NaNoWriMo the other day - was planning to do it if I wasn't pregnant by then - I'm not (17 months of trying, but who's counting?), but I am undecided about whether or not to go ahead.)

Writing/working balance

Last week my best friend wrote to me in response to a whiney email I had sent her, and she said

Would it be doable for you right now just to assume these next months (weeks?  year?) is just for letting life settle down, and to follow your desires (like for getting back into the garden) without having to have a master plan mapped out.  Just assume that you'll write when/if you want, will garden, hang out w/ Liam, enjoy Chris, get healthy, get comfortable in your new work and that is absolutely more than enough.  And, then just wait until the big picture comes into better focus?

My response: Are you kidding me?

But seriously, I decided she was right. Okay, maybe that wasn't so hard to work out. But it's not that I can really let go of the Master Plan - I don't need for it to be exactly accurate, but I do need to have some kind of ideal towards which I am working. But yeah, I am letting it be a bit more fuzzy than it was.

I decided that while I couldn't let this novel that I have almost completed slide entirely (because if I stop writing entirely it could take me another year - or years - to get started again), I can take out the silly self-imposed deadline and just let it happen when it happens. I think part of the stress/apathy I was feeling around it was the fact that as of this week I have lost my Wednesday writing times, which leaves Sunday as the only big chunk. And I just couldn't see how I'd get it done in the time I wanted with just Sundays - and trying to was going to ruin all my good Spring gardening time. Not to mention a big chunk of time I'd like to be spending with my family - Chris and Liam both.

So, as of last weekend I am cutting myself some slack. A lot of slack. I am going to try to write/revise each Sunday morning, while Liam is at swimming. That gives me an hour or two (as opposed to the 6-8 hour day I usually set myself for Sundays). And I'll try to do bits at other times, but without the pressure of any sort of quotas or deadlines.

Then on Monday I started my new job. And thanked my lucky stars that I'd sorted out my writing crisis first. Because this job is going to be flat out, I suspect without let up. At the very least it is going to take me some weeks to really settle in and catch up. I have a feeling it's really a full-time job posing as a part-time job, so I am going to have to set some pretty clear boundaries for myself and my manager.

BUT, I think it is going to be really fun. It's writing/reading/editing arts & culture oriented stuff. How cool is that? After the dry content of the last five years of writing, it is very cool, believe me. It is going to be busy busy busy, which after the last six months of sitting around with literarly nothing to do for entire days, I am pretty happy about. Plus, the atmostphere in the department is different (better? hard to tell but I think it will suit me better, yes), they are keen to give me training opportunities (whereas where I was they a) had no money most of the time, and b) didn't really bother about that sort of thing much, especially for part-timers like me. Although perhaps I am being a little hard on them, maybe it was more about the money. And general apathy, rather than specific), and there is good espresso coffee across the road for only $2 (which is very cheap).

Does this mean I am hoping to be in the public service for years to come? Not at all. But it does make the likely prospect of that happening a lot more appealing.

New job

First day of new job today. It was intense, but good. Most amazingly organised handover I've ever had. Am very tired. But happy. Such a relief to know there will be no more days of sitting around wondering how to occupy my time. The opposite maybe, but after the last six months I'm all for it. Also interesting, interesting content, instead of the boring, boring, boring stuff I've been working on.

So, tired but happy, I am off to collapse on the couch in front of the sexy Patrick Dempsey.