I think I must be a real parent now. I am stuck with my first real parenting dilemma.*
Liam has made friends - best buddies type friends - with one of the two kids in his class I would really prefer he wasn't friends with at all. I am going to call this friend Craig. Craig is not a bad kid - it could be a LOT worse. He can even be quite charming, in a ratbag sort of way. But he's quite aggressive, doesn't seem very clear about personal boundaries (by which I mean, has no idea, even for a seven year old), appears to watch a lot of the sort of television I would not let Liam near (though this is self reported so may not be true - but he certainly knows a lot about the shows and movies he talks about), and, did I mention quite aggressive?
I think the main thing that concerns me is that Liam seems to be strongly influenced by this kid. Some minor examples: for a while he didn't want to wear his beany to school, because Craig didn't wear one; he won't have bananas with his lunch any more because Craig doesn't eat them. More major issues is the increase in aggressive behaviour in him this year, and particularly in name calling and yelling. I can't, of course, put that all down to his friendship with Craig. Some of it may be the change in environment from the very protected kinder space to class one, some of it may be age appropriate. And there could be other factors I haven't thought of.
I also think Liam is a bit intimidated by him. One day he told me he didn't want to go to school after he'd been off sick for a couple of days, because Craig would yell at him, when asking him where he'd been. Liam *loves* school so I took that quite seriously. I told Liam we could talk to his teacher about it when we got there, so that's what we did. But, first we had to shake off Craig. He really likes Liam, and grabs him (sometimes metaphorically, sometimes not) as soon as we get there - or more often as soon as he gets there. But even though he likes Liam, he can be quite belittling towards him as well.
On this occasion Craig was there first, so he followed Liam into the classroom, where we went to deposit Liam's lunch and then to find his teacher, Margie. I was able to indicate to her that I would like to talk to her, but without Craig around, so she directed him to take down his chair and put his bag away (outside), while she led me and Liam into the little kitchen that comes off the classroom. Craig more or less ignored her and tried to follow. I was bringing up the rear, so I was the one who had to firmly tell him "No, I need to talk to Margie. Sit in your chair," and basically closed the door in his face.
Before I even told her what we were there for, Margie asked me if I'd had many prior dealings with Craig - she said he needs that sort of firm handling, firm boundaries set, but that some parents are intimidated by him and let him walk all over them. I hadn't had much to do with him, but enough I guess!
I asked a teacher-friend for advice, and she suggested nurturing relationships with other kids in the class who we like - remember, he is going to be in this class for seven years - having playdates with them, and avoiding playdates with Craig. So that's what I'm planning to do, as much as possible.
I guess my dilemma comes from the fact that I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. I mean, someone has to play with this kid. And if all the parents with - okay, I'm not sure how to say this without it coming across as completely egotistical, but what I'm trying to say is: this boy could end up being a troubled teen. He could. And if all more involved, boundary-providing parents discourage their kids from playing with him, who is he going to end up with?
Look, I have no idea if Liam would be a 'good influence' on him in the long run. But he might be. On the other hand, Craig might be a horrible influence on Liam. Already, I don't like the effects. What would you do? Or what have you done?
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*First one that springs to mind with my virus-befuddled brain, anyway.
