narrating kayoz

Introducing Eliane St Clair

Eliane St Clair was born on Friday morning (ie yesterday), in the water, still in her caul. She was born in the same bath her big brother & sister were born in at the birth centre, after a bloody hard but completely straight forward (and short) labour. They don't call it 'labour' for nothing - my whole body feels like it's had a work out! - but it was worth every moment, to have the experience of holding the top of her head in my hand between the last two contractions before her head came all the way out, not to mention having her actually in my arms a couple of minutes later.

Here she is, about 5 hours old, when my mum brought Liam & Mikaela in to visit her. It's Mum and Kaely's arms you can see in this pic.

 

Full moon baby?

I just realised it's a full moon on the first of March, which is when more babies are born than any other time apparently, and this baby is actually 'due' that day. Maybe we won't have to wait another 3 weeks after all...

Uncharted territory - 38 weeks plus 2 days and still pregnant

By this time in my pregnancy with Liam I was home from the birth centre with a baby over 12 hours old. By this time in my pregnancy with Mikaela, I was at the birth centre with an eight hour old baby.

In other words, I never got to this point in either pregnancy.

Last night I dreamed that I got up to go to the loo and my waters broke. It was 12:30am, and I thought - ah, an hour earlier than it was with the other two.*

Then I woke up and discovered it was actually just after 1:30, but my waters hadn't broken. Quite the disappointment.

People keep telling me their stories of having two babies early and then the third (say) ten days late. And really, I didn't actually think I was going to have three babies all born exactly 12 days early, that would be a bit much of a co-incidence. But of course, this is the time I've been moreorless focusing on as my 'due' time. I've been saying I reckon it'll be some time between 37 and 39 weeks, but sill, with the approach of 38 +2, I've been hoping something would happen soon.

And half expecting it, but half not too, because after the cramping I had early last week, I've had no more real symptoms to suggest it's coming. Some painless braxton-hicks contractions, yes, but nothing like what I had with Mikaela (which, if you believe my blog, was contractions on and off for the week before, and two hours of ten-minute-apart contractions a few days before). Of course, I didn't have any pre-labour contractions with  with Liam, and they do keep telling me every birth is different, so who knows what I should expect this time? So I vacillate between expecting it to be tonight (every night) and thinking it's probably at least a week away.

In fact, I'm trying to psych myself into expecting it to be another two or three weeks (I know it could even be almost four before I'd be officially 'post-term' but let's not even go there). So far, it's not working very well.

We have nice plans for tomorrow and Friday (session for me with my Doula tomorrow, maybe another movie Friday, maybe even a massage), and Chris isn't back at work until next Monday, so I can say with my almost-four-years-ago-self that we might has well have the next four days to rest up and then have the baby come Monday morning. But the truth is, I'm really hoping that by saying that I'm going to psych the baby/my body instead of myself, and it will happen tonight.

Oh yeah, I'm fully prepared for another three week wait.

_________

*Although with Liam it was actually a night earlier that my "waters broke" which is to say actually that I had a bit of a hind water leak, but thought it was my waters breaking. Then  labour started the next day and Liam was born at 7am on the day following (ie 38 weeks +2).

Liam's birth (or 'why we have a doula')

I just read my birth story from when Liam was born, and wow. I really had forgotten so much of it. And had seriously reduced in my mind the level of annoying that the midwife was. My second midwife (who is also my primary midwife this time) was soooo much better, though of course I was also only in the birth centre for about an hour before Mikaela was born. But I don't think it would have mattered. She was great all the way along.

But that first midwife is why we got ourselves a doula last time. And again this time, even though I'd forgotten by now just how valuable she could have been that first time. But now I love having her even more, because she gives me lovely, lovely relaxation/visualisation/Reiki sessions, among other things. So even if this birth is as 'good' and easy (ha!) as the last one, she is worth her weight in gold. But it's also good to know that if we do end up with a midwife we don't click with? She's there to run interference as our advocate.

Belly shot (and more)

So I thought I'd better share at least one belly shot, having blogged about having them done... 

And then a gratuitous kid shot, also by Trish, just because I love it:

Having some belly photos taken

I have just spent a lovely Sunday morning at Regatta Point with Chris and the kids, and the delightful Trish. She brought along her fabulous camera and took lots of photos of my belly. Oh and the rest of me, and the kids, and even Chris got into some of them.

I don't really like having my photo taken, but I do like to look at the results after wards. Especially of the kids. I know Trish got a few good ones, because she showed me on the camera. She even managed to get Liam to look natural (he likes to pose, y'see, but it doesn't always make for the most attractive of shots!). But I can't wait to see them all. Or at least, the ones she considers good enough to show me. The nice thing about someone else photographing you is that they can delete the ugly ones without you ever having to see them!

I didn't get any particularly good belly photos with either of the other pregnancies, and to be honest, I did hesitate when Trish offered to do some this time. But this is my last pregnancy, and - I'm glad I said yes. Actually it was a lot of fun - Regatta Point was Trish's suggestion and it was an excellent one. The kids had a ball, playing on the various playgrounds, feeding the ducks & swans, finding 'secret' spots in the bushes and under willow trees. We are so lucky to live in Canberra, we should really make the most of it and get out more often.

What an unreliable thing is memory (and a little bit of pre-labour cramping)

I have just been looking at Mikaela's birth story posts (1 & 2), to check on something, and discovered how completely unreliable my memory is. For instance, I wasn't having contractions about 15 minutes apart from when my waters broke, it was 8 minutes.

And I didn't only have 3 contractions between 8 & 9 in the morning, right before I called the midwife and told her I was not really in established labour yet, I was still (or back to) having them 8 minutes apart  - though it is true that some were still very mild at that point.

And second stage wasn't 10 minutes, it was 20.

Funny, the stories we tell ourselves and then believe. That's what I love about keeping written records. Much more reliable!

What I was reading it to figure out is how long before I went into labour was the night where I had contractions for two hours - turns out it was only the night before. But I also (re)discovered that I'd been having contractions on and off all week, which I'd completely forgotten.

The reason I was wondering was that I had two hours of mild cramping in the middle of the night last night. It was like early period cramping, which is exactly how I remember early labour, except that this was moreorless constant, not coming in waves like contractions do.

It was mostly annoying because uncomfortable and keeping me awake, and slightly worrying because I'm not 37 weeks until Monday, which means if something happens before then I will have to 'go upstairs' (ie can't give birth in the birth centre) even though I'm sure 2 days one way or the other wouldn't make that much difference. But also a little exciting, because even though we're not really ready - I sort of am, too.

Grrr... car seat frustration!

Chris has been off trying more car seats in the car today.

Our options appear to be:

• Buy new car seats for Liam (a narrower booster) and the baby (a compact reversible), and have Liam behind the driver, the baby in the middle and Mikaela behind the passenger seat, AND have to do up the seat belt on Liam's booster ourselves, because Chris is pretty sure he won't be able to reach (and in any other positions Chris reckoned no-one will be able to do up Liam's seatbelt); or

• Buy all three of them new car seats, getting Mikaela a narrow convertible carseat/booster.

And either way, Chris isn't entirely happy with the options he's looking at for either of the big kids in terms of comfort - but he doesn't have them with him today, so they haven't tried them out themselves.

Grrrr. I really do NOT want to have to put the baby in the middle of the car, and I definitely do not want to have to be doing up Liam's seat belt as well as the other two (and he would not like that either, not one bit). But nor am I keen on buying 3 new seats, especially considering that we love Mikaela's and so does she. Legally, of course, we won't have to have Liam in a booster seat past his birthday next month, but given his weight and height, safety dictates having him in one for probably two more years.

Sigh.

And to think we bought this car specifically because we can fit three seats across it (we couldn't in the old car). The only bigger option would pretty much be a people mover.

School's back, life's good, things are progressing.

This has been a hectic yet fun week.

School started back, and at Orana they always have 'parent cafe' every morning in the first week of school. It's in one of the old kindergarten classrooms/playgrounds, which is also where they have the playgroups from the second week on, and a cafe/craft morning on Fridays (which of course I've never been able to go to regularly because of working Fridays). So Mikaela and I dropped off Liam at his class* on Tuesday & Wednesday, then spent the rest of the mornings hanging out with other parents and younger siblings.

One of the younger siblings was a 7 month old baby, who's brother just moved to the school this year and is in Liam's class. The baby is commando crawling and used to big kids (with brothers aged 7 and 5), so he managed very well with Mikaela's desire to turn him into her personal pet. And she made a new best friend. And a couple of parents commented on how good she was with him (not like with our poor long suffering cat), so that bodes well.

Aside from that we stayed after school for plays on both days until 3:30 or 4:00pm, and on Wednesday we had Mikaela's swimming lesson straight after parent cafe and then met some friends at the pool, so didn't even make it home until 1/2 an hour before we had to leave for school pickup. Like I said, somewhat hectic, but fun.

Then Thursday Chris did the school run and took Mikaela to parent cafe (she was sad that the baby wasn't there that day), while I went and had a lovely session with my doula, talking about the birth and possible positions - I'd really like to catch the baby this time if I can, and would also really like to avoid a tear - though with scar tissue from two tears in the same spot, that's probably not likely.

I also talked about the fact that I'd like to get to the birth centre a little earlier this time (ie not right as I hit transition!), so I have more time to get into the 'zone'. The tricky part being that my labour barely got established last time before we went in - if I'd waited until I had contractions five minutes apart, like they tell you to, Mikaela would have been born at home. So I'm not quite sure how I'm going to judge that. My doula said she normally does a flow chart for her clients to help them figure out when to call, but I just don't fit the patterns. But anyway...

And then she did a guided relaxation with me and a Reiki session. Yes, I love my doula. :)

Sadly I had to follow that lovely relaxing appointment with a blood test (for iron studies since my stored iron was once again at rock bottom when it was last tested), then get home in time for Chris to go to a physio session. Then we all went to school to help with 'handwork', in Liam's class (they are starting the year by making cushions to sit on - beginning, his week, with painting the fabric), then picked up Liam and went to my cousin's for an after school play.

But today. Well, it hasn't been entirely relaxed, but I at least haven't left the house. I have cleaned out the bassinette, made it up, and set it up in our bedroom though, which is a major achievement. And Chris took Liam to check out new booster seats, since his is too wide to fit in the car with another baby seat.

Unfortunately that trip established that

a) the seat Chris was thinking of for him is too narrow - absolutely no growing room;

b) the next choice might be okay (similar over all width but more roomy in the important places), but was not in stock, and

c) it will be impossible to do the seat belt up on either one if we get a full size seat for the baby - even of the narrower kind we were looking at. We will have to get a compact one. Which is a particular bummer because as of yesterday we thought we wouldn't have to buy one at all, since my cousin's eldest is about to graduate to a booster seat and was going to give us hers. Also, the compact one we think we want wasn't in stock either.

But at least we have a better idea now. I just hope we are able to get them before the baby is actually born!

And now it's time to sort through Mikaela's last year or so of clothes and either pack them away or put them in the op shop box, therefore making room to get out the baby clothes (assuming we can find them!) tomorrow. Yes, we are making progress on my list of 'things to be done before 37 weeks', which is just as well, because 37 weeks is on Monday. 

_______

*This is not what this post is about, but Liam is also very happy to be back at school. The holidays were just long enough that he was really hanging out for school by the last week. but it's not really terribly exciting aside from that, since it's the same class, same teacher, and they moved into the class two room in the last week of last year. So no sudden shocks, and none of those beginning of year fears that I remember about which teacher you would have and whether you would still be in the same class as your best friends.

The impending reality of a baby, the bittersweet end of a pregnancy

I wrote in my (new — more on that another time) paper journal recently that:

"I still find it hard to believe in the baby, or not so much in the baby itself, but in the reality of transitioning from having my own, private, intimate connection with this little, wriggly being inside me, to having an outside baby, who everyone wants a piece of and who is no longer safe and sound and protected and fed, just by me breathing and eating and taking reasonable care; who needs to be held, nursed, rocked to sleep, have nappy changes — who, in short needs my hands, arms a-doin' for to look after her or him. That reality is hard to fully comprehend.

I know it's coming, and in many ways I'm excited about it. But it's daunting too — to be tied down by a newborn's needs, while still trying to meet Mikaela and Liam's needs."

This was a couple of weeks ago, before I'd seen Vickie, our doula, at all. Since then I've started to focus more on the coming labour and birth, and so in a way, the reality of an outside baby has become even more unfocused. I'm focusing on the baby's birthday, and barely thinking beyond that.

But I also wrote this:

"And, there's also a sense of loss — of having to open and share something which has been profoundly private and intimate, just the baby and me. And I think I probably know more about this now than I did the first time around, the way the intimate connection stretches out more and more as they grow into independence. It's something I remember finding very sad when Liam was a baby, the fact that I loved him so much and felt that at that point we were still so closely connected, but that as he grows he simply won't remember the intensity of that bond.

I don't think I thought about things in those terms during my actual pregnancy with Liam, but now I see that the moment of birth is the beginning of the stretching.

Of course it's a lovely beginning (bring on those endorphins!) and a long process, and one that is right and good. But sad, all the same, in it's own way. The very definition of bittersweet."

And this sense, of the bittersweet loss of the intimacy of pregnancy that giving birth inevitably involves, is still with me. I tell people the sooner the baby comes out the better - at least once I get to the 'safe' point of 37 weeks, which is less than a week away now(!). And yes, I am uncomfortable (actually in pain a lot of the time in fact), tired, breathless, and oh so awkward. And then too I really am very excited about giving birth again. It's a cliché, but true all the same, that giving birth is the most amazing, wonderful thing. Or can be anyway.

Also, while the opening of the bond, the sharing of the baby, does entail the stretching of something that is so closed and close now, that sharing is also exciting. I'm looking forward to seeing how Mikaela finds having a baby sibling, and how Liam finds it the second time around. And I'm particularly looking forward to sharing the baby more directly with Chris.

So in many ways I am quite focused on the coming birth, and ready for this little one to be out pretty soon. But I am also very aware that this is the last time I'll ever do this, that once this baby is out I will never have quite this connection with another human being again. And so in truth — at least at some moments of the day — I'm quite content for these last few weeks to be just that: a few, not just one or two. And I hope that I can take them slowly, and appreciate the moments for themselves.

___________________

(36 weeks yesterday)

What I have been doing lately (plus some other comments)

Grrr... just wrote half a post and lost it when Firefox crashed. We *really* need to do something about this computer.

Anyway, I was writing a post in dot points...

• I love that poem/short story by Jamaica Kincaid, 'What I have been doing lately'. I'm pretty sure it's from At the Bottom of the River, but I gave the book away before I moved back to Australia after studying it in America years ago. Damn it.
• In less than 2 weeks this baby could be born any time and be considered 'full term' (ie I will be 37 weeks pregnant). I'm hoping to have everything on my very long list done by then, and then have a week (or more?) to rest on my laurels.* But we'll see...
• Liam & I have started reading The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe this week. Or more accurately, I've started reading it to him. It's really fun to read.
  
  Most nights we have about a half hour of reading together in the living room, while Mikaela reads with Chris and goes to sleep in their bedroom, then Liam has another half hour (or so) reading on his own in bed. And often what he does is reads ahead in whatever book we are reading together, but because he is still mostly reading by word recognition, his comprehension can be limited, depending on the book, so he's happy for me to re-read it to him the next night (or him to read it to me, with help on some words, depending on the book and on how he feels).
  
  But because I'm mean, I'm not letting him take the Narnia books to bed. I'm insisting on reading them all myself. Partly that's because it's been close to two decades since I read them and so I don't remember just how scary they might get, partly it's because with the old-fashioned language I know he'll have a harder time reading it to himself, and partly it's just because I want to enjoy being with him when he hears the stories for the first time.
  
  I am finding the language - the long sentences, and very English way of talking - to be really fun to read aloud, and quite refreshing after some of the modern kids books we've been reading.
• What I am not reading any more of to Liam is the Zac Power books. I am sick to death of them. Zac is, quite frankly, annoying, they are completely unrealistic (in a way that is somehow different to the Magic Treehouse books or the Narnia stories being unrealistic). But more than that, I don't like the values they are promoting. Zac is always going on about his 'geeky' or 'nerdy' big brother Leon, using those as negative terms ('Even the geeky Leon could do that', or 'isn't scared of that', or whatever); Zac is never scared of anything, even when he plainly should be (so he's a twit, but instead he's written as a hero); and the only female characters I've come across so far either turn out to be working for the baddies, or are his mother (who is also a spy, but you certainly wouldn't know it).
  
  People talk about them as 'early readers', there is even a set of four or five of them (the Test Drive books) which have larger print & are shorter - and, from memory, generally less obnoxious - but that just gets the kids in of course. And really, I think they are probably better for an older age group - after all Zac is 12. But given that Liam only just started reading & writing at school last year, at the age of 7, and he can read them now, I figure kids who go to mainstream schools and start the three Rs at 5 must be reading them by now, or earlier, too. Certainly a few of his friends are (though not his school friends, that I know of). Either way, I don't like them.
  
  Liam just borrowed five more of these books from a friend (who I think, I am sorry to say, first came to them when Liam bought him one for his birthday last year), and I've said he can read them to himself, but I'm not reading them to him. I explained some of why I don't like them, but I don't think I did a very good job of it.
• We have had two 'dinner parties' with friend in the past week. This is unheard of behaviour for us! On Friday we had dinner at my lovely friend Simone's house, and didn't get home until after 11. I don't actually think we've done that since we've had kids (unless you count weddings). Another couple were there as well, with their two children, so there were friends for all ages and the kids had as much fun as we did.
  
  Then last night we had another family over for a more casual pizza dinner (home made though!), but again the kids got to run wild while we chatted until about nine o'clock at night. As a consequence Mikaela is already over-tired now at 10:30 in the morning, so I hate to think what the witching hour will be like tonight! But it's all good.
• We finally went to see our lovely doula last week, and she lent me Ina May Gaskin's Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, which I had not read before, as a general refresher. It's a wonderful book.
  
  I am really looking forward to the birth. Not without some apprehension - because you just never know how it will be - but with a reasonable amount of confidence & plenty of excitement. I do hope to get to the birth centre a little earlier this time (having arrived pretty much already in transition last time), so that I have some time to get into the calm birth/hypnobirthing 'zone' - it's hard to relax and let go when you arrive so late. Most of the labour at home was okay that way, but of course with Liam here and me worrying about Chris changing the sheets before we left... Yeah, not exactly right out of the neo-cortex (ie rational) part of my brain.
  
  On the other hand, I'm realising that some more time to relax once my list is complete wouldn't be a bad thing. Liam is back at school next week, and while my mum is away that week, the following Friday she's agreed to take Mikaela for the whole day (moreoreless) so Chris and I can take the whole of Liam's school day to be a 'date' day - do to a movie, have lunch etc. And if the baby could hold out another week past that, we could do it all over again the next Friday! If I give birth as early with this one as I did with the other two then we'd be home from the birth centre with a new baby by that time, but then again, every birth is different, as I keep being told! :)

I had more to say about my doula, who is also a reiki practitioner and did a lovely relaxation session with me (visualisations plus reiki) on Sunday, but I gotta go. We leave for Mikaela's swimming lesson soon (which she is still loving), so I better go get those children organised.

__________

*What does that mean, to rest on one's laurels? I mean, where does it come from? Must google it later... (edited to add: apparently the laurels come from "ancient Greece, where laurel wreaths were symbols of victory and status")

Four weeks!

Somehow, when it's past time for me to go to bed at night, that's when I feel inspired to write blog entries. Mostly I resist the temptation, because actually I need all the sleep I can get at the moment.

I think the thing is that by 10pm, I've been child free for two or three hours, and had some time to think, to chat with Chris, and my brain is feeling up. At 10am I've been doing morning routine with kids for three or four hours and my brain is sluggish at best.

So what was it I wanted to write about at 11pm yesterday? I don't know.

But I do know that there are only four weeks left (less, in fact) until this baby could be born, without being considered pre-term. Four weeks! Suddenly my to-do list feels much more urgent. So urgent I might even need to commit it to paper some time soon.

By the way, the to do list from the other day? Some of it got done. Not the big things though (like tidying the master bedroom - although we are back sleeping in there anyway, which is awesome - or sorting through Mikaela's clothes). This weekend maybe...

Thirty-two weeks pregnant, and looking forward to the end (with only a little trepidation)

In some ways, I can't wait for this baby to be out. Right on 37 weeks would not be to soon for me.

Although I am very aware that this is the last time I will experience this magic - the feeling of a baby moving inside my womb, even being able to identify body parts (knees anyway); being able to bond intimately with a baby, without the exhaustion and general trial that is having a newborn in the house - I am also very uncomfortable, all the time. And tired!

From the the muscle pain (which I've had from this point on with all three babies) that I think is probably the rectus abdominus sheath, to the pubic symphasis pain, to the general pleasure of having a baby bang it's head on my cervix or bladder, it's all pretty trying.

On the other hand, not only is this the last time I will get to experience this, there's also the fact that having a baby is life changing - not as life changing, this time, as it was the first time, with Liam, but still, pretty life changing. And even more so for Liam and especially Mikaela. And that's somewhat daunting.

I was looking at baby photos of Mikaela the other day (I have set myself the task of not only finishing her baby book before this baby is born, but also printing out some photos for our albums for the past three years!), and it did make me feel more excited about experiencing those moments with this baby. It made it all feel a bit more real, I suppose. Everything from the day of birth to the joy of a newborn sleeping on my lap, to the excitement of all the firsts... And also the lovely experience of watching the children get to know their new sibling. I've been a little worried about how Mikaela will go, but looking at all the photos of Liam with Mikaela when she was a baby has reassured me. I think it will be fine - at least for the first little while.

So yeah, I'm (mostly) ready for the pregnancy to be over now, and ready to enjoy the next phase of our family's life - but not without a little nostalgia and a reasonable dose of general trepidation. I think I'm tired now...

Things I should have been blogging about in the past few weeks

1. Mikaela's burn - she chased the cat under the car two weeks ago today. Chris called me up at work and said "There's been a change of plan for the afternoon. I'm going to the hospital." It's not really a dreadful burn - not as bad as I first thought when he called - but she is still having dressing changes every few days (and improvement from every 1-2 days though), and when I asked the nurse on Sunday how long she thought it would be before Kaely could swim again - would she, for instance, be okay for the summer swim school starting in 3 weeks time - the answer was "maybe". So it's bad enough.

2. The vegie garden. A week or so ago I planted out my third attempt at a zucchini plant for the season. So far so good. I planted it inside a half buried ice cream container with the bottom cut out, and have been spraying with cold black coffee. It's been a little bit eaten, but it's still going, whereas the last two plants were eaten within couple of days.

3. The baby! I am now officially into the third trimester, and I can really tell. I also had a long post about how much I do not like people commenting on my size (or the supposed size of the baby), how this is a common complaint of pregnant women (be they larger or smaller) and how I just don't get why people think it's suddenly okay to make comments like "Oh, you're huge!" (on hearing you're not due for a couple of months), just because you're pregnant. Why?

4. My birthday, which was a crappy day (except for the middle part where my cousin threw me a little birthday party with our three little girls, complete with fairy bread and everything), mostly because I was tired and crabby & so were the kids, but maybe, just maybe, because my very, very dear friend was having a miscarriage, although I didn't know it at the time.

5. My lovely friend and how sad I am for her right now (except I don't tend to blog about other people's stuff so much anyway, so I probably wouldn't say any more than that).

6. The fact that despite it being summer - really, truely, 36 degree Celcius type summer - I have another cold (via Liam) and a sore throat. Why?! Also my iron is right down again, so I am taking an iron supplement. But maybe that answers the why question.

7. Liam's school play, Christmas festival, and move to their class two classroom two days before the end of term (which was last Friday).

But right now I have to go to bed, so more detail on any of that will have to wait, probably indefinitely.

A kicking baby! (or Seventeen weeks pregnant)

Seventeen weeks pregnant today. And I just felt a really big kick.

I didn't feel anything like it this early in the other two pregnancies, so it felt different to anything I did feel - lower, I guess, than it would have been the other times. But also really strong. I was just starting to bend to get up off the couch, and maybe the baby was surprised or something. It almost felt like someone jabbed me from the outside - didn't hurt, but gave me quite a shock. But a good one. :)

I've been feeling subtle movements for a week now. At first I wasn't totally sure if that's really what it was, but over the past few days I'd become more certain, and today I've been feeling heaps of movement. People talk about bubbles, or fluttery movements, but for me it's more like the baby turning, or slowly moving across my belly, which is how I remember the early movements with the other two as well.

I don't remember if I blogged this already, but when I saw the midwife at 15 weeks she couldn't find a heartbeat. If my GP hadn't found one the week earlier (though it took him forever, and she didn't try for as long, knowing that I had heard it the week before), I would have been seriously paranoid.

As it was, I was a little paranoid. I had a dream a few nights ago that I saw my GP and then a nurse when I was exactly 17 weeks, and the nurse *still* couldn't find a heartbeat, except that she barely tried at all, and kept moving the doppler around too quickly to catch anything anyway. I remember being more annoyed with her than worried, but still a bit worried!

Anyway, now I can really rest easy, which is very, very nice. The midwife did say I could drop in sometime in the next couple of weeks to give it another try, but I don't feel like I need to now. I have the 19/20 week ultrasound three weeks from today, which I am really looking forward to - hard to believe now that I didn't even have that when I was pregnant with Liam, and wasn't worried the whole time. 

In other pregnancy news the 'morning' sickness is almost completely gone now (which is much earlier than it did with Kaely, about the same as with Liam, maybe slightly later), as long as I don't get too hungry. I felt sick moreorless all day Sunday, but barely at all Friday or Saturday or today (which is Wednesday, BTW). When I do it's usually only in the evening. The reflux is also better, oddly, though I remember that with Mikaela too - it was their more 1st trimester than 2nd, then back in 3rd. It's not gone, but it's better.

Aside from that I am feeling really pregnant now. And looking it too. Can no longer possibly be mistaken for merely putting on weight. Plus my skin is stretching (meaning, I can feel it feeling stretched), my belly is getting in the way, and I can feel the slight discomfort of the baby on the cervix from time to time (nothing like it feels in the third trimester though!).

I also have more energy, but I must say I am still easily worn out - more so than I remember in the second trimester last time. Then again, I've always joked that the second trimester doesn't start for me until about 20 weeks, when the nausea is truly gone, so maybe more energy is on it's way. Hopefully. Also I've had a mild bug on and off (maybe two different ones?) for the past couple of weeks - passed on from the kids - so of course that reduces energy.

But I guess the best thing of all is that the first trimester depression is completely gone and I'm feeling rather happy indeed about being pregnant, even though I know how much work children are! And that feels very good.

Kids, garden, worms and more!

A post in dot points.

What? It's Spring, and I'm pregnant. I don't have time to do better than this! But lots of things are happening.

• Mikaela, for instance, has been out of nappies (except at night) since last weekend. We picked an awful time to do it, given she was sick - quite sick by Monday - but oh well. It's going reasonably well so far. A few more accidents than we had with Liam, but she is six months younger than he was. I know some people do it about a year or more earlier than this, and put up with accidents for longer, but I just don't have it in me for that. I'd much rather deal with nappies than accidents! But she was more than ready, and the weather is warming, so we've taken the plunge.


• Liam started Hapkido last week. He was over the moon with excitement about it afterwards. He's gone along to his second class today. Chris has been doing Hapkido on and off for a few years (though his real background is in Taekwondo), but mostly off for the past couple due to various injuries (not to mention ankle surgery). However, he is back for his first class in a year today and very happy about it. They have a 'parents & kids' session - two classes side by side - so we're hoping that will work out for the two of them for a while. I am more than happy to have it not be an after school activity that I will have to drag Mikaela and the baby to next year.
  
  Getting Liam into a martial art has been something Chris has always been in favour of, though he agreed with me that he shouldn't start too young, so he's happy too. And I've ruled that it's going to count as his summer activity (instead of cricket, tin pin bowls or basket ball, which were Liam's other plans), so I'm happy. I'm a bit strict about limiting out of school activities - he's always had swimming on Sundays, but aside from that, the AFL this winter was his first regular extra-curricular commitment.
  
  I'm mean about it partly out of a philosophy that really wants to limit those sorts of structured activities, and partly out of an awareness that eventually there will be three of them to ferry around.


• Liam also started knitting at home this week. He's been knitting at school since the start of second term (ie about April), but on Friday he convinced me to buy him some needles (5.5mm) and wool from the Orana shop, and he's been working on a 'stick holder' (don't ask) enthusiastically since. One row at a time (or less), but almost all his own work. I was a bit worried that he would end up asking me to do most of it, but so far so good.


• It is Spring and the gardening fever has hit. Well, in theory anyway. In practice I'm trying not to ask too much of myself, given I'm only just getting over the morning sickness part of pregnancy (despite being 16 weeks now, and a few days).
  
  I was looking at my vegie garden the other day, and realised that if I did nothing but maintain it (weed, water and harvest) we'd most certainly have silverbeet, parsley (both of which are still there from last year), and volunteer tomatoes - at least tom thumbs - peas, maybe snap beans, and probably potatoes. Which wouldn't be so bad. Oh, and cos lettuce, some of which have already come up, self seeded.
  
  However, I don't plan to leave it at that. So yesterday Kaely and I got out and planted some sugar snap peas (seeds) and some rocket (seedlings). Next month we'll get in some zuchinnis and tomatoes, and hopefully between now and then I'll sow some carrot and spring onion seeds. Oh, and I really want to get some basil in this year. And Liam wants corn.
  
  Pretty basic. I'm not going to bother with beans this year - unless maybe one or two plants - because we just couldn't keep up with them last year. We're not really bean eaters, except raw in salads or straight off the bush. And having realised that if I do nothing, we'll still have some harvest, I now feel that anything is a bonus. But I have set myself up for better success this year by not planning too much.
  
  Same with the rest of the garden. We've got weeds galore coming up out the front, so I must get out and pull them up after the next rain, but aside from that if I get nothing but maintenance done I'll be happy. We put in a second apple tree and a medlar at the very last gasp of the bare root tree planting season (or slightly beyond, if the truth be known), and next year we'll try for some more fruit trees. But I remind myself that we will shortly have three young children, and that neither one of us has (or even really wants) a good protestant work ethic. We like to read, rest, sit around and chat, that sort of thing. So if we don't get the garden to look as good as my parents' garden does, well, it's nice to remember that theirs wasn't anything close to what it is now until I was in high-school. So as long as we get some more fruit trees in over the next couple of years, we'll be right.


• Also on the gardening front, I got a garden bed worm farm last weekend, which we are planning to use to process all the poo Lochie produces. Seriously, that dog is just a pooing machine! Obviously we won't haven't put it near any food plants, but I am hoping that we can move it around the garden to a different spot every six-twelve months and really build up the worm population in our soil, as well as deal with the poo problem. The worms supplied with it are a mix which includes both composting worms, and a kind of earth worm which will work more to take the goodness of the worm castings down into the soil. It sits directly in the garden bed, so there's no need for us to remove the castings ourselves. Lovely system. Hope it works!
  
  Unfortunately Chris wormed Lochie right before we got the farm, so we've had to wait a week to begin feeding them the poo. And that's going to be an issue for one week of every month. But processing the poo to be useful (instead of polluting) three weeks out of four is still a huge improvement over what we've been doing.


• I'm 16.5 weeks pregnant. I *think* I've started feeling the odd movement - as of Wednesday morning - but I'm not completely convinced yet. I know that with both the other kids I had a similar experience, and then later when I was sure I decided that's what I'd been feeling all along. But I also know that there've been times between pregnancies when I've felt some gas moving around in my gut and thought it felt exactly like the baby moving around in later pregnancy. This early it's a different feeling, but still, I'm withholding judgement. It's still exciting though.


• Edited to add: And Liam's reading is coming along in leaps and bounds. I got him some new Zac Power books from the library, not realising these were longer with smaller text. At first he struggled a little (though not as much as with Harry Potter, of which we are still reading a couple of pages at a time in between Zac Power books), but a few days later and he's doing really well with them.

Okay, I'd better start getting dinner organised now. I promised Kaely we would make pancakes for dinner, so she's been agitating to get started for half an hour already.

Baby Mikaela

Some time last year Mikaela went from being a self-declared baby, to a 'big girl' - no little girl time in between.

But for the past few weeks she's back to being a baby. A baby named Baby, no less.

I'm assuming this is something to do with me being pregnant,* although I suppose it could equally be just her latest phase. She also spent quite a bit of time being a baby dog and a baby kangaroo before she decided to be a baby human again - I can't remember if that started before or after we made the pregnancy announcement, but I think before.

A friend (of mine) recently asked Mikaela what was in mummy's tummy, to which Kaely quietly (she's always quiet with people she doesn't know extremely well) replied 'A baby.' So she knows what's going on, moreorless. But generally she's more interested in talking about how she was inside my belly.

Having said that she is keen on having the baby - it's going to be hers, you know. And it's going to be just like whoever the most recent baby she's happened across is. Or, if she hasn't happened across one just lately, it's going to be Charlie (my sister's baby) or Riley (another friend's baby).

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*I forgot, I haven't actually announced that on this blog yet. I was keeping it all sort-of secret - didn't want it on facebook basically - and so started a separate blog called 'Big Fat Positive'. I must import those posts into this blog soon. Anyway, I'm fifteen weeks today.

Getting back on track: writing, blogging and the Fab Fatties Challenge #2

I have been back at work for nearly a year now (I started back at the beginning of July).

In that time I have written almost nothing, submitted absolutely nothing (despite having several pieces either ready and waiting or just about ready to submit), have blogged very little, have gained about five kilos, have had one miscarriage and have not (since then) gotten pregnant.

One of the reasons I haven't been blogging much is that people at work might read it (being in a web team is quite different that way, as it turns out, to being in a communications team). Not that I mind if they do, exactly, it's just that there are things one usually doesn't talk about at work - trying to get pregnant, for instance - that one might blog about ad infinitum.

So here's my little disclaimer* for work folk:
Feel free to read. Feel free to comment. Don't talk to me (or preferably anyone else) about it at work. At least, not if it's something you think I wouldn't talk about at work. Like trying to get pregnant - not always something that's good for one's career, though it's not politically correct to say so. But I learned that the hard way last time.

Also - some notes for anyone new to the blog, eg, someone from work:

• it took me 17 cycles and one miscarriage to conceive Mikaela.
• I only have one ovary.
• my mum started going through menopause before she hit 40.
• my sister took four years to produce her beautiful son
• I am 37, Chris is nearly 41...

So just because I'm trying to get pregnant, doesn't mean I'm going on maternity leave any time in the next year. Or ever. Just so we're clear.

Now, back to the point of this post, which is not that it's seven months since my miscarriage and I'm not pregnant, despite being convinced that May was the month it would happen. Nor about the lack of blogging lately.

No, it is about the fact that I've put on about five kilos since I started back at work.

There are a few reasons for this - too much junk food at work and not enough exercise being high on the list - but the main one is that I lost my focus.

I got back down to my goal weight of 63kg early last year.** I had a health check within a month of starting work that determined that my healthiest weight range is something like 62-66kg. All good. And then I started trying to get pregnant again. And then I got pregnant again. And then I had a miscarriage. And somewhere in there I told myself I could eat whatever I liked (ie lots and lots of chocolate) because obviously I deserved it.

Yes, I have issues around food and deserving and comfort and anger and self image and shame and probably all sorts of other things. As I'm sure have blogged before,*** I took a long time to acknowledge any of this, let alone to acknowledge that I was overweight, still less that I cared. I was a feminist. And we feminists don't care what we look like, do we? Right...

Actually it was two things that snapped me out of it. It was realising (shortly after Liam was born), that I was unhealthily overweight (and I was, trust me on this, I'm not talking putting on five kilos here), and also that that was not okay now that I was a mother, and realising that however much I pretended not to notice or care, other people just had to look at me to know I was unhealthily overweight. I was fooling no-one.

Despite all this, now that I am back to an ordinary sort of weight I have largely gone back to pretending that none of that happened. That I don't have any food/weight issues. That I am, in short, too cool to care.

Well, I'm not. And that is why I am now taking back my focus and my control. It may take me another year to get pregnant (although we've given ourselves a deadline of this December, so lets hope not), or it may never happen. So to say even half consciously to myself (as I have, if I'm honest, been doing) that I can wait till after the next baby's been born to get back on track is ridiculous. It is self-delusion.

Food tracking, I've discovered, is my best defence against over-eating. So food tracking is what I will do. And to jump start myself, I am signing up for the Fab Fatties Challenge #2 - there are about five hours left to sign up, but if you do, make sure you tell them I sent you so I get me some 25 points in the challenge!****

The challenge goes for two weeks from today (May 29) and involves the following - all of which I am going to try to do every day (except the one about not drinking 'soda pop' since I don't do that anyway).

• Eat 5 servings of fruits and vegetables daily- 5 points
• Drink 8 glasses of water a day- 8 points
• Exercise- 1 point per minute
• Do a random good deed- 5 points
• Stop drinking soda pop for a day- 1 point
• Actually read someone else’s blog post and leave a comment- 1 point
• Answer [their] Fab Fatties random bonus questions about [them]- 5 points
              -Bonus questions will be posted daily on [their] blog.
• Recommend 2 fabulous friends from twitter and tell us why we should follow them- 2 points
• Eat a healthy breakfast-1 point
• Lose weight- 1 point per pound
• Keep a food journal for the day- 5 points per day
• Take a walk during you lunch break- 5 points
• Have a friend join this challenge- 25 points per friend
              -make sure your friend tells us you recruited them!

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*I've probably said this before, I'm just a little paranoid and still haven't come to terms with this weird collision of offline-personal, work, and online lives that facebook has created.

**Back down not from all the weight I gained during pregnancy - though there was some of that - but from all the weight I gained while trying and failing to become pregnant beforehand.

***But it was a loong time ago, before categories, let alone tagging, when I still did each entry by hand in dreamweaver, and I can't find it.

****And thanks to Food Food Body Body which is where I discovered the challenge.

An open letter to Nicola Roxon (Federal Health Minister)

Dear Minister

Just after I discovered I was pregnant with my first child, almost eight years ago, the insurance rug was pulled out from under Australian midwifery's feet. Midwives operating outside of hospitals were suddenly unable to find insurance in Australia.

Before I fell pregnant I had read Michel Odent's Birth Reborn, and was excited about the idea of being pregnant and of giving birth. How distressing then to discover that in Canberra my only option for midwife led care was the birth centre at the Canberra Hospital. But I was lucky - I found a place at the birth centre despite not booking in until I was seven weeks pregnant. I have friends now who have been put on the waiting list after calling the day they found out they were pregnant.

And now the situation in Australia is set to become even worse. From July 2010 midwives will not be able to practice in Australia without insurance. Private midwives will have to cease homebirth practice, move overseas to work or face prosecution. You know women will still have homebirths, but they will be more likely to be unattended by skilled support. And many other women will end up clogging the hospital system simply because they cannot find a midwife to work with them at home.

Please Minister Roxon, do something about this. All the research shows that homebirths are at least as safe as hospital births for pregnancies of normal risk. And that midwife led care leads to lower intervention and better outcomes for women than obstetrician led care. The Government supported private obstetricians with insurance - make this happen for midwives as well. Not for their sake, but for the sake of women all over Australia.

[letter ends]

I just found out about this, over at the rachel papers (thanks Rachel).
What you can do:

1. Please sign this petition.

2. Watch the "Save private midwifery" video at Homebirth Australia.

3. Write to the Health Minister, Nicola Roxon and your local Federal MP.

Kaely on a hypothetical sibling

The possibility of another baby in the family came up the other day, I can't remember why, but this was Kaely's response to the idea of being a big sister. When asked something like, would she like a little sister in the family:

Mikaela: "Yes. Tahli."
Me: "Tahli? like Tahlia?"
Mikaela: "Yes."
Me: "What if it was a little brother?"
Mikaela: "No."
Me: "But what if the baby was a boy baby?"
Mikaela (emphatically): "No."

So I guess we're pretty clear on where her preferences lie, at least for the moment.

And as for me - well yes, this is a completely hypothetical baby, there is no pregnancy in sight, but I do quite like the name Tahlia - it's not been on my list before, but I might just add it.

On the other hand, I just googled Tahlia (Hebrew) and it means 'Dew of god' - sounds a bit like sperm, somehow, doesn't it? But Thalia (Greek) means 'to flourish', so that's definitely better...

Next: the bad news

The bad news is that as of this morning I seem to be having a miscarriage. I was five weeks today and starting to feel pretty good about it all, but apparently that wasn't warranted.

I say 'seem' and 'apparently' only because it's not absolutely 100% clear yet. But it's probably about 99.8%, so I'm not kidding myself. I"m bleeding, it's just no where near as heavy as it would be for a normal period at this point. But I think I remember it being like that last time too. And it's not just spotting either.

I've been over analysing my feelings to death, as I am want to do. I'm upset, of course. But not exactly shocked. I knew things weren't looking quite as they should. I'm sure there should be plenty of hormone there by day 32 to make a nice strong second line. When my sister first conceived Samantha there was a similar absence of sufficient hormone, and in fact the first blood test my sister had showed the hormone levels being a little below normal for that far along - and the doctor assumed she was going to have a miscarriage. The second one showed that the levels had come up, and they continued to do so and did get into the normal range, but as we later found out, everything was not right with Samantha.

So I knew, maybe this pregnancy was not going to work out. But I got my hopes up anyway, as you do.

So how am I feeling now? I'm sad, about this pregnancy not working. I'm also upset about what it likely means, which is no baby for quite some time. The last miscarriage was followed by three or four months of wacky cycles. Normally taking my temperature in the mornings gives a clear idea of when I ovulate. There would be a clear spike in the middle of the month, and it would then stay elevated until the day of or the day before my period. For the few months following the miscarriage there was not any clear spike, or even any clear pattern. I couldn't make sense of it at all, but I assumed it probably means I didn't ovulate those cycles, and that in fact my hormones didn't sort themselves out properly until the end of that time. Which seems odd, for such an early miscarriage, but I think maybe my hormonal system is simply not all it could be. I've had other problems before.

So I'm thinking, not only has this baby not made it, but there probably won't be a pregnancy this year at all. I'd gotten quite attached to the idea of having a baby only maybe eight months younger than my sister's. And my best friend is hoping to get pregnant soon-ish (though there are some complications there), and another best friend is pregnant already. Both of them had their first babies close to mine, and the former had her second baby only 7 weeks before Mikaela. So it seemed fated, almost...

Last time I had a miscarriage it took a year to get pregnant again afterwards.

I'm beset by all these comflicting thoughts though. Last time I was crying and in shock on the day I started miscarrying. I'm not saying there've been no tears today, but I feel a lot more - well, okay, I guess. Last time I made Chris stay home from the workshop he was meant to be going to. Today I went to work myself. (I'm supposed to be out at lunch with friends now, while my Mum has the kids, but I couldn't face that, so I just came home.)

That was a little surreal. I was sitting there working, talking, saying 'fine thanks' every time someone asked how I was, all the time wondering whether the bleeding's sped up yet. Whether I should go change the pad.* I remember someone else telling me she went to work while she was miscarrying, and me saying - or at least thinking - she was crazy. But what else was there to do? There's nothing physically wrong with me. And it wasn't the shock it would have been if I'd really thought everything was fine.

Back to the conflicting thoughts. I feel sort of okay, but then - not so much. I have all these thoughts about how I should feel, how I'm entitled to feel, and how I'm not entitled to feel. I have an appointment to see my GP next week (which was meant to be to get a blood test organised to see if the hormones were as they should be), so I imagine having to tell him and then I imagine sympathy and then I start to cry. That's what happens if I imagine telling anyone actually, or anyone who I think would be all sympathetic about it.

But really, I don't feel the need to cry most of the time.

And then I imagine other people, who might think I was overdoing it. Who might say (or think) - well, it's only five weeks, and you knew this might be on the cards. And then I feel cross and defensive about the fact that I am upset, that I have cried. (Of course, probably I'm the only one who would think that anyway...)

I'm so conscious of what I should feel, what I might feel, what I am, or am not entitled to feel, that I can't actually figure out what I really do feel. When I burst into tears while I was driving home, was that just me driving myself to tears (so to speak) by feeling sorry for myself, or by imagining others giving me sympathy, or was that real? When I feel okay, is that just me distancing myself and not allowing myself to really feel what I do, or is that real?

These are rhetorical questions, BTW. I know, of course, that they are both real. But at the same time, I'm not quite sure of it.

I'm also conscious that after the last miscarriage I got quite depressed for a few weeks. It was my first brush with a form of depression that was more than just being sad, or feeling down in the dumps for a day. It seemed all out of proportion to what I'd experienced, but it  nonetheless made it hard for me to get out of bed in the morning, much less do anything once I got up. When I realised it was probably largely hormonal it was like a light bulb going on. It didn't make it go away, but it helped enormously to understand it. To know that it was real, and not just something I was somehow making happen.

But, I am definitely worried about that happening again. Not to mention the nausea. Pregnancy nausea is bad enough. Un-pregnancy nausea is just unfair.

Anyway, I'm up and down and some of the time I don't even remember. Most of all I'd like to tuck myself under my covers and go to sleep, but now I need to go pick up my children, so further self-analysis will have to wait.

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*'sanitary napkin' I think is the US term

First, some ambiguous news

I wrote this (to a friend) a few days ago, but haven't gotten around to blogging about it properly, so now I'm just going to cut and paste (with a few un-noted clarifications).

But first, a note to 'IRL' readers.

It's a weird thing, now that my blog posts are imported to facebook, that a lot of people I know 'in real life' might happen across my blog posts. Until now that hasn't made any real difference to the way I blog, but this is a blog post that I write without having talked about it to people I know IRL (aside from a couple of people).

So if you are reading this and know me in the 'real' world, just don't assume because I've blogged something that I've made it 'public' in the sense of actually talking to people about it. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but there it is.

It's like this (as Tashi would say). I haven't been paying very close attention to my cycles, because I ran out of pages in the book in which I record these things. But my period was due late last week.  It would have been due on Friday for a 28 day cycle, which is the absolute longest I ever have (though they do seem to have been getting longer since I started taking iron two months ago - one 28 and then a 27 day cycle).

So, when it hadn't started on Saturday I picked up a pack of three (cheap, but supposedly good for up to 7 days before your period is due) pregnancy tests on the way to the airport (I was on the way to visit my sister & husband and their new baby in Melbourne). I did one at the airport and it was negative at three minutes. I was in the airport toilet though, which was a bit dark, so I stuck it in my pocket (it was one of those little strips of cardboard that you dip in a cup of urine, not an in-stream test, so it fitted easily, though you might think it was a little gross). When I looked at it in the good light a few minutes later (probably within the ten minutes that counts, but possibly not) there was a very faintly detectable line, if you looked closely. But this was after it had been stuffed into my jeans pocket, not placed carefully, face-up, on a non-absorbent surface.

Now, we were trying *not* to get pregnant this month, so as not to end up with two children born on the same day (or even the same week), and also because I really was wanting to be back at work for 12 months before going on maternity leave. So even though we officially started trying in September, I wasn't planning to start really trying until November. Late November in fact. Still, I was hoping that pregnancy test would be positive.

Anyway, my period still showed no signs of coming, so I did another test the next morning. It too was negative at 3 minutes. And four minutes. I forgot to look again within the ten minutes, but at 12 minutes again there was a faintly detectable line, if it was held up to the light and squinted at just so.

At this point I started thinking maybe it was a case of the nicely termed 'blighted ovum' type situation. Or more likely blighted sperm, since the sperm would have to have been a bit old by the time I (probably) ovulated anyway. So maybe there's not enough hormone to be detectable, but there's something there to stop my period happening. So I decided that before I did the third test I'd get a better test and do them both at once. That way if the cheap one was still blank but the other one had a clear and dark second line I could be happy, or if they were both blank I could be pretty sure it wasn't happening.

So on the way home from the airport on Monday night I stopped by the chemist bought another test (which cost more than the other three put together). When I did both tests that night this is what I got: The cheap one - still blank at 4 minutes (supposed to be readable at 3). Again, a very very faint line appeared after ten minutes, but not before. The expensive one - a clear line by two minutes. But, not a  dark line. Very clear, not faint at all, but light. And that's at day 32.

So. I'm thinking - maybe I'm going to have a baby next June (due date July 3, three days before Kaely's was). Or maybe I'm going to have a miscarriage soon. Or maybe (worst case scenario) it's going to be a Samantha-type situation (Samantha was my sister's baby who was born and died at about 21 weeks last year, having not developed any kidneys). Anyway, I'm getting my hopes up, as you can imagine, and will make an appointment to see the doctor ASAP (just as soon as I get Kaely up, who is calling me now from the bedroom). I'm already booked in to the birth centre :)

That was the exciting, but ambiguous news. Unfortunately what comes next is the bad news, which is where I am now. I'm really only posting this so I can then write about that.

Befuddled and bothered by climate change and colds

I read a(nother) scary article on climate change the other day - how it's happening faster than experts were predicting, etc, and how dry continents like Australia specifically will be impacted over the next forty odd years. I must say it was sobering to realise that in forty years I'll be rather past my prime, but even more sobering to think about the world my kids will be trying to make their way in.

I wondered - if we really took this seriously, would we be trying to have another baby? Not for the reason I remember my peers spouting back when we were in our teens - that the world was just too nasty a place subject them to - but more just in terms of the added burden more people place on the planet's resources, and more specifically on our own resources.

Well, we are still going to try for a third baby, climate change (and many other practical considerations) be damned. But we're also going to sit down and plan out a bit more concretely what we should/can/will do to climate-change-proof our own lives. We already turn off things at the wall, use (mostly) energy saver lights, and will have replenished our roof insulation within the month. But bigger projects we've talked about like getting a big tank put in, a proper grey water system (as opposed to the hose out the window type), solar panels - those things we can't afford right now, but can be more seriously about planning for. And then there are other things like putting in as many fruit trees as we can fit and getting better at growing our own food.

Of course, some of these depend on whether we are really staying in this house for the long haul or not. It is west facing, on a weird shaped block which gives us little good sunny yard space and has one less bedroom than we'd like. But it's got a great view, it's in a good location for our needs, it's got some lovely things about the yard as well, and one less bedroom means a smaller carbon footprint anyway.

That is some of the sort of conversation we've been having in our house over the past few days. Interspersed with conversations about planting heirloom tomatoes, getting another Silky chook or two and why we have come down with yet another cold. But much time and many kid-focussed activities have passed since I started writing this post this morning, and additionally my brain is now anti-histamine befuddled.

Will we, won't we?

It's clear that I am better rested than I was when Liam was Mikaela's age (despite the fact that at the moment she is tending to wake up twice between 12 and 6 most nights!), because when Liam was this age I couldn't imagine wanting to be pregnant again any time soon. Whereas now, I am starting to romanticise pregnancy and think how nice it might be (at least between 20 and 30 weeks - I'm not completely delusional).

Of course, that could also be to do with the fact that we always planned to wait until Liam was three to have a second child, so I wasn't that close to trying when he was 22 months. Whereas with Mikaela, because of our ages, we only planned to wait till she was 24 months to start trying. We've put that back now by a month or two, so that I can have at least one full month back at work before getting pregnant (a little optimistic I know, but you can't start trying if you're not ready, regardless of the statistics). But at this stage, we are pretty sure we will try. Not sure how long we'll keep trying for if it doesn't happen, but we will try. I think.

what I have been thinking lately (roosters, dogs, kids and writing, for instance)

I don't seem to be doing much with this blog lately. Even the baby book entries mostly just get written in my head, and end up being simple lists of words when I finally get something out.

It's frustrating because I have things to write about.

The kids, of course. How Liam seems to have turned a corner from the (slightly difficult) five and a half year old he was, to the six year old he is now, even though the books say six is supposed to be harder. How I think school plays a part, since he's now one of the older kids in his class (which has two years together, 4-6 year olds) and he seems to be feeling the responsibility (in a good way). How Mikaela is so delightful just now, but I'm still a bit afeared about what is around the corner, because she is such a determined little thing.

About future plans too. How I had a little freak out the other week that if we had another child we might end up with a "special needs" child of some sort and be stuck in this part of our lives (the part with seriously dependent beings) forever. But how I'm moreorless over that now and feeling a bit excited about starting to try to get pregnant again in a few months time, despite the very real possibility that it will take even longer than last time (me being 36 and Chris almost 40 now) or that it won't happen at all.

And that would naturally lead into the post where I suddenly remembered the fertility specialist saying to me that I might, possibly, have an early menopause, because of only having one ovary and who knows, the other one might not be all that great either (though I secretly think it is), and me suddenly realising the other day that I don't want to go through an early menopause for more reasons than just fertility - which is what I had focussed on up to now.

And then I have these posts I want to write about sustainable living, and how Lochie squashed most of our summer vegetable garden, has broken into both chicken runs and let the chooks out, let the chooks into the winter vegetable garden (which is toast now) and eats the eggs. But we're still glad to have him (mostly), though that was all a little depressing for a while. And Chris is starting obedience training with him next Tuesday night. And how one of our two Silkies turned out to be a rooster and started terrorising his sister, so we got rid of him and now she is much happier but I still think we need another little Silkie friend for her (or two, or maybe three).

And of course about The Compact and how that's going and how I feel about it, with a little more detail than that last post.

And then about writing, and how I am back to working on my fiction now (not the essay which I still haven't even got a draft of, or a conclusion for, despite it all being due in less than 2 months!) and am really enjoying the revision/re-writing process. I fact I *love* it. Who'd have thunk? (I always dread revision, and always love it once I get going. Weird.)

And no doubt a bunch of other things that don't come to mind right now because I can hear Kaely in the kitchen and I am wondering what she is doing, and because Liam is off sick today (just a cold with a mild fever I *think*, but there is chicken pox going around the school), but I've just remembered that I have to get everyone dressed and go into the school anyway, because I am the 'class co-ordinator' and I have to put out some pledge forms for the community hours scheme before term ends, and term ends tomorrow...

And now Liam is calling me, and I think Kaely is harrassing him, so I will go be a parent, and save thinking more about this blog for another day.

Inconceivable

I'm now reading Inconceivable (Ben Elton), and while it too has it's annoyances (seriously, are there still women who think if their partner is attracted to someone else that he (or she) is effectively being unfaithful to her? Or that enjoying a spot of "choke the monkey" (his term) on his own is somehow evidence of him not being attracted to her any more? This is the Noughties for heaven's sake!), it's only taken to page 69 to have me laughing till I cried, a very good sign for a comedy.

More on the Panayotov book

I finally finished In Vitro Fertility Goddess. By the end, it finally got me in.

I assume it’s doing fairly well (here in Oz anyway), judging by the amount of publicity it seems to have had, so I wish they’d put out a revised edition – one that’s been professionally edited. Because as Leslie Cannold said, it could be a lot more readable with some editing out of repetition, and (I say) the addition of a few more pronouns and articles.

One of Sol Stein’s “little things that damage the writer’s authority” is glitches that yank the reader out of their experience. That’s what all those missing pronouns etc were for me. Leaving out a few gives an impression. Doing it all the time got annoying (quickly), as I had to keep re-reading sentences to get the meaning.

As regards the content of the book, the only part I found really got me in was the last bit when she was finally pregnant. Despite the subchorionic hematoma that had her bleeding on and off, and therefore worrying constantly, for most of the first trimester, and the placenta previa and its accompanying complications later, it made me want to be pregnant again, or more particularly, it made me want to give birth to a tiny new baby again. Also this was the part of the book where I finally laughed. Twice, even.

I can see how this part of the book might be the most annoying part to people currently experiencing infertility though. Although she suffers miscarriages and took a long time to finally achieve a sustained pregnancy, Panayotov was quickly successful once she turned to IVF. That makes her unusual, despite the cultural image we have of IVF being the quick solution to infertility. Most of the time its not. And that’s another annoyance – that the book perpetuates that stereotype – though one can hardly fault Panayotov for not faking a few unsuccessful cycles for the sake of a counter-narrative.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I have been pregnant, while I haven’t suffered from sustained infertility,* that makes the last part of the book more palatable to me. I suspect it might be as much to do with the fact that it lacks the over-the-top contempt towards pregnant women and mothers, and indeed women in general, that in the rest of the book becomes boringly repetitious at best and quite offensive at worst. It is the sort of comedy that depends on belittling and stereotyping – not uncommon, but not to my taste.

It also probably has to do with the fact that the reader knows from the start that Panayotov ends up with a baby. At least you do if you’ve ever heard her interviewed or just read the back of the book. And it’s pretty clear from the title just how she achieves that pregnancy. So there’s no page turning motivation early on in the book. It’s only once she safely pregnant, following an embryo transfer, that I started to be really interested in the outcome – how will the pregnancy go, what sort of birth will she end up with? Perhaps it’s also that at this point she starts treating other characters with some empathy instead of as cardboard cutouts put there to annoy her.

In any case, I did eventually come to care about Panayotov’s story, but it took a good while. The obsessive insanity aspect of the infertility narrative is probably something a lot of women can relate too, although I think they might relate more if it were toned down some. And of course the outcome – a healthy baby at the end – could be hopeful and inspiring to those setting out on a similar journey. But for those four years into IVF with no baby in sight (or even with a baby, but only after several years and as many egg collections), it could be downright galling.

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*We had only just begun serious investigation – ie going beyond what my GP could do – when I fell pregnant with Mikaela.

Infertility and /or new parenthood in fiction

There seem to be plenty of memoirs being published, not to mention other forms of life writing (blogs included), either about or incorporating narratives of infertility and new parenthood (achieved via infertility or not). For example: Child of Mine: Original Essays on Becoming a Mother, Waiting for Daisy, Mothershock, loving every (other) minute of it, A Little Pregnant, and In Vitro Fertility Goddess, among others. But I can't find much contemporary fiction covering the same areas. (By contemporary in this case I mean the last decade or less.) Why is that?

The fiction I have turned up so far includes Ben Elton's Inconceivable (which I'm in the queue to get from the library), Tick Tock, by Jane Freeman and The Woman Next Door, by Barbara Delinsky. I've read the Freeman book and from memory it didn't do a lot to challenge the normative narratives about infertility, and I haven't been able to get hold of the Delinsky book.

Edited to add: I have found a few short stories in Literary Mama: Reading for the Maternally Inclined, and on the Literary Mama site. But is this the only source of them?

Hope and realism

In the first chapter of Linda L. Layne's Motherhood Lost: A Feminist Account of Pregnancy Loss in America, entitled 'The miscarriage years' Layne writes of her second pregnancy

I am surprised now, and touched, to see that at that point, even though I was certainly by then aware and vigilant against the possibility of loss, that I could still embrace a pregnancy with such innocence and hope. (p. 5 in the Amazon online reader - I can't get this in the library, damn it!)

Even though I'm reading this for uni, I am immediately drawn to thinking about my own situation and am reminded of hopeful attitude to trying for another baby next year. I would love to leave another three-four year gap between my next two kids, but given that I will be 36 this year and Chris is already 39, and given that it took 17 cycles and one miscarriage before we conceived Mikaela, we don't want to leave it too long. But somehow I still assume that it will all be okay; next time we'll be 'normal and conceive within 6 months, or at least within a year, and no more miscarriages either.

This despite the fact that it will be four years since the last time we started trying to conceive. My expectation suddenly seems almost presumptuous.

A birth and a death

My sister gave birth today. The baby died during the labour, not unexpectedly. She was at 21.5 weeks gestation, and she had no working kidneys. Her name was Samantha.

Samantha’s story has been one I haven’t been writing, because it isn’t mine. But today I feel the need to give her some acknowledgment. I don’t know who she would have become, or even if that’s a useful question to ask. She would have been my niece, my parent’s granddaughter, Liam and Mikaela’s cousin, and most of all, a loved daughter of my sister and her husband; their first-born.

Rest in peace, little one.