Ocean View Verandah

Frustrated & anxious, and ready to get pregnant, now!






Narrating kayoz (main)

Later pregnancy & conception posts (on Narrating kayoz)



Tuesday 13 June, 2000

I am feeling very pissy about something. Namely, the whole Rolfing training thing Chris wants to do. Not pissy that he wants to do it, just about the timing. We had some bad news about the probable scheduling of the second level today (which either way has to be done within 12 months of the first level). And it looks like, if we are going to go ahead with it, we are going to have to put back the baby plan AGAIN.

We were going to start trying for conception by this June. Then, because I agreed to stay on managing the massage college until February (instead of leaving before we got married in November), and because of financial considerations, we decided to put it back by about six months, till the end of the year, or there abouts.

Then, we realised that since the second level of Rolfing was going to be, we thought, in all probability at the same time of year as the first level but 12 months later, if we didn't achieve conception before the end of the first level we'd be looking at birth right in the middle of the second. Did I mention that the Rolfing training is two lots of 8 weeks, in MELBOURNE - ie, an 8+ hour drive away. So, we decided to start trying in December, or even November (although we'll be moving in November so probably not), and if I wasn't pregnant before he went down there, well, we'd just have to have conjugal visits! Plan being that the baby would be born a minimum of 6 weeks before level 2, and we'd all go down to Melbourne for that second 8 weeks (me being either on maternity leave or 'between contracts', depending on whether I get a permanent job or just stick to contract work).

Now, it looks like the second series of 8 weeks is going to be around 6 months after the first. Does that mean within 6 months of the start of the first, or moreorless 6 months from the finish of the first? Don't know. Either way it's a bugger, but probably the latter, which is worse.

The first series is January-February 2000. If the second one starts exactly six months after that it'll be Sept-October. If I were to get pregnant in November, the baby would be due around the end of August. That doesn't go so well for a September-October trip to Melbourne. And what if they decided to make it August/September? Even worse. Well, so December and January are obviously out too. And February, because we already figured that a minimum 1 month leeway is a good idea to allow - just in case the baby is a little early. And if they decide to make it October-November, then a March conception is out too. Of course, hopefully they'll set those dates reasonably soon, within the next couple of months, so we won't have to allow such a wide error margin. But, then too, I'm not terribly keen on Chris being away for most of the third trimester of pregnancy. That would stressful for me, which is bad during pregnancy, but more to the point, I want him to be part of the whole experience. And, I'm pretty sure, he wants that too (but I'm talking about me now).

I tell you one thing though, if that is how it works out - he's not taking the car. For the first one we were expecting that he would. But I am not going to be running around taking public transport to work everyday, 6 months pregnant and at the tail end of winter.

So, if they make it within the 6 months, maybe August/September or even July/August, we could plan for say a November baby. Of course, that's assuming I get pregnant (and stay pregnant) the very first time we try. Until today, we were planning for a November baby at the latest, but possibly as early as August. Now we may be OK to plan for one as early as November, but even that may be too early.

And the thing is, a November baby would be perfect. But I always had in my head that I would have child when I was 28. I'm 28 now, so that's not happenin'! But, I somehow had an absolute deadline of 30. I don't know why, and I know this is irrational, but I just feel very strongly attached to the idea of giving birth before I turn 30. And I turn 30 next December. That means, even if a November birth does turn out to fit into the schedule (!), we have to get it right the very first time, or I'm thirty and still not a mother. I know it's absolutely stupid to be hung up on something like that - November, January, what's the difference? - but I am. After all, I've already put the plan back two years!

I guess too, part of my anxiety to get on with it is to do with the fact that, having only one ovary and a slightly smaller uterus than normal, the gynecologist said I may miscarry some number of times, while my uterus learns to grow (and I know miscarriage isn't uncommon anyway), so to suppose that it is only going to take us 9 months to have a baby may be optimistic. But we can't plan for it to take longer - we still have to plan for it maybe only taking the standard 9 months. And, I am going to do everything I can to work on that happening. Visualisations, herbs, exercises - whatever.

And even though I know that even in the old plan, there was always the possibility that if I didn't get pregnant (and stay pregnant) within the allotted time period (ie between November and March), we'd have to put it off until later (so as not be be giving birth in the middle of the time we expected the second level to run), I guess I feel that at least if we'd started trying we'd be getting somewhere. Whereas now, if it takes we longer than I hope to get pregnant we'll already be several months behind the 8 ball.

All the way home on the bus tonight (Chris is teaching) I was thinking about this, and wondering if it could work to put off the Rolfing and do it in America, after the baby is born. But it costs so much more to do it there, it really couldn't help but work out to be much more expensive. Although we could save more here in the mean time (b/c Chris wouldn't be taking the time off work) he'd have to take time off work then, and we'd presumably have to live in Colorado or the Washington DC area, and living somewhere with absolutely no network or support and with a young baby, doesn't seem like such a great plan. The only other plan I can think of is to wait and do it here later, but there's no guarantee it'll run again anytime soon, and if it's not within the first year after having a baby I would expect to be working, and not able to go with him, and having a young child, that would make the whole thing a lot more difficult than it is do to it now. We intend to share the primary care taker's role, so Chris being away for long periods of time would be far from ideal.

BUGGER!!! The more I think about it the more logical it seems to just put the baby off a few more months - think how much more money we could save! - but I am really feeling miserable about it. I am just so looking forward to beginning the process, and a few more months... it seems like a lot. Closer to a year before we start trying than the 6 months it was yesterday. And it wasn't meant to be much more than year before we started, a year ago! It is foolish to allow this to get me close to tears, but it is.


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