Ocean View Verandah

Are we really ready to
make a baby?






Narrating kayoz (main)

Later pregnancy & conception posts (on Narrating kayoz)




Saturday, 19 May 2001

I spent the afternoon at my cousin Barbara's house today, meeting other relatives (a second cousin of hers and my Mum's, my second cousin once removed) and pouring over old photos and other paraphernalia they had accumulated. One of my first cousin's was there as well, and so was my mother. It's fascinating, I think, to search back through the family tree and discover connections to people you've never met, and find out who came out to Australia when and from where. It's nice too, discovering new family members, however distant, if you are both interested in owning the connection.

Speaking of families we are hoping to be adding to ours soon. I've been charting my ovulation, via temperature readings, for the past couple of months (having bought the thermometer to do so about 18 months ago!), and, well, we're about ready. Except, suddenly, I'm not.

Suddenly the whole idea of having a baby is terrifying me. What will it do to our relationship? How will people see me? I feel like once I'm pregnant that's all people will see about me — particularly at work — they won't take me seriously anymore as a person, as a career woman, or even simply as a woman. I'll become a mother. People will assume that our child will be my primary focus, not work or anything else. Now, since quite likely fairly true, and since I never intended to be a career public servant — since, indeed, career never really mattered to me before at all — I'm not sure why that should bother me.

I have this idea — I always have had I suppose — that having a baby will be easy for us. Our baby will sleep through the night and be the picture of perfection. Right! But suddenly I feel like I have no idea what I'm getting myself in for. Do I really want a baby? Do I really want a child? Am I ready? Are we ready? And now of course, with the spiraling cost of Chris's Rolfing training, how can we even afford to have a baby? There are so many things to buy, and I really want to take the full 12 months off, and for both of us to work part time after that - we do not want to have to put our child in care, not when s/he's still a toddler, and not so that she sees more of the carers than of us. But how are we going to afford that?

So, I wonder, should we put it off, just a bit longer? Another 6 months, no more. Surely by then I will have all these fears ironed out. Right?

No, don't worry, I'm not really that stupid. I know we could keep putting it off forever — there'll always be a good reason why right now isn't the perfect time. And until this week, I'd pretty much felt ready to have a baby for about 5 years. So why the sudden fear?

I'm due to ovulate on Monday.



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