Ocean View Verandah

Monday, May 24, 2004

posted at 9:22 PM
I spent quite a bit of today wondering if I might be pregnant.

By the time I finished work I was almost convinced I was. By the time I'd been home for an hour I was almost convinced otherwise.

We had unprotected sex twice this month, and even though both times conception would be almost impossible, based on when I ovulated, you can't help wondering can you? Then too, I've been having short cycles lately and this one has reached day 28 and counting. But then when I came home and looked at my chart (I've been charting ovulation for the past two months) I discovered that actually the last cycle was exactly 28 days, making pregnancy suddenly seem less likely.

I started to get quite excited at work, I was walking around the office with a goofy grin on my face. Not that we even wanted to get pregnant, actually.

We weren't planning to start trying for another baby until the very end of this year, and there are all sorts of good reasons for that. Mostly things like, last time I had a problem with pubic symphasis dysfunction, and I've never really entirely got rid of it, so I was planning to start a series of pilates sessions for abdominal strengthening. And I was hoping to lose a few more pounds before getting pregnant again, although since I am already close to 15kilos lighter than I was before the last pregnancy (it still astonishes me that I could have ever been that much heavier than I am now), I don't see that as such an issue.

Then there's things like, we really wanted Liam to be three before we introduce a sibling, which would require conception to be at earliest two months from now. And then I have this thing in my head that I want my children's birthdays to be at least a month a part, preferably two or more. Still, based solely on that we could have started trying for another baby as early as August. There were other reasons for delaying longer, but they don't seem quite so important now.

On the other hand, I still don't feel quite ready to introduce another baby into our life with Liam. He is so fantastic at the moment, but is definitely going through a phase of wanting things just so, wanting to do them himself, wanting to decide what happens when, and who talks to whom. "Don't talk Mummy!" he says, "Don't talk Daddy!" Usually when one or the other of us has come home from work and we are catching up with each other, but he just wants us to catch up with him. But other times too, when he feels he is not getting the attention he needs.

He is changing so much, and so quickly, that I know in nine months time he will probably be in a completely different place developmentally, but the year from two to three is said to be one of the more challenging for toddlers, as they try to figure out their place in the world, and develop some sense of independence. That's why we figured waiting until he was say, three and a half, might be a good plan.

But, even though I am still ambivalent about doing something that will reduce my time for Liam, the idea that I could be pregnant, that there could be a little baby growing inside me - well, that got me feeling pretty excited. Which is odd, because ever since Liam was born I've said I'd love to give birth again (that was an amazing thing) but I'd just as soon skip the pregnancy. I remember being nauseous virtually all the time up to about week 18, and then still being nauseous often after that in the evenings. And I remember having pubic symphasis pain combined with an abdominal muscle strain through most of the third trimester (falling down the stairs at 30 weeks probably didn't help) so bad that each time I stood up from my desk I would have to move my feet around one centimetre at a time, to rotate towards the direction I wanted to walk. And having trouble sleeping. Oh, and the indigestion!

But now I'm also remembering the magic of feeling a life growing inside you. It's so corny, but it's true. To have a little tiny baby there with you all the time - I really can't even describe it, which is maybe why I didn't say much about it last time. To be able to put my hands on my belly, and imagine even, that there might be a baby under there, is such a powerful feeling.

Of course, there's really not much likelihood that I am pregnant.

Still, if something doesn't happen by tomorrow (ie, my period) I will take a pregnancy test.

And you know what? If I'm not, we just might consider bringing our plans forward a little anyway.






Narrating kayoz (main)

Later pregnancy & conception posts (on Narrating kayoz)


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